Happy Halloween!

So the other day, I gave the cover of my latest book, Lord Westbrook's Muse a bit of a Halloween makeover.  Then I felt a bit bad for all my other ladies. I didn't want Cass to be the only one enjoying the spooky fun.

So here you go, all three of my heroines on all three of my book covers getting into the Halloween spirit.

Lord Westbrook's Vamp

Lady Westbrook's Devilment

His Lordship's Apprentice Witch

Have a Happy Halloween, everyone! Or have a Hideous Halloween or a Horrible Halloween if you prefer your season a little darker (but still with alliteration, natch).

"The Final Straw" A Short Story

In a few week's time , I shall be attending Smut Manchester which is described on their website as "an Erotica Authors & Readers Smutty Social Get-Together" It's terribly exciting. Every word in that description describes me to a tee. I'm smutty! I'm social! I'm an erotic writer AND an erotic reader. Clearly, it's time for me to go forth and meet my people.

My people are kinky people, obvs

Part of the getting-together socialness of the event, is a 'Flash Challenge' which is a writing competition (and not a competitive flashing event as you might have supposed).

Entrants are required to write a 1000 word story using the photograph below of the Manchester Wheel as inspiration. The top three entries will be read out by the authors at the event which is fairly terrifying prospect.

My entry which is titled "The Final Straw" is below. 

Let me know what you think in the comments. And give me a shout if you're planning to come to Smut Manchester on the 15th. It is of course where the very best smutty, social, erotic, got-together people will be.

The Final Straw

She squinted  slightly and pulled a disappointed face. “It’s not very big is it?”

“What?”

“The wheel. It’s much smaller than the London Eye. Seems a bit daft to come up here and then go on a sub-standard wheel.”

Joel let out a long exasperated breath. “You don’t want to go on it then?”

Katy shrugged. “I didn’t say that.”

“Whatever. I’m not going on it with you if you’re going to spend the whole time comparing it unfavourably with your London one.”

“Our London one. You live in London too.”

“Yeah but Manchester’s where I grew up. That was the point of us doing this trip together. But all you’ve done is put the place down. Manchester bars aren’t as good as London bars. The Manchester Museum isn’t as good as the British Museum.  I’ve had enough of it. I’m going back to the hotel.”

Joel strode off, not too bothered if Katy followed him or not.  She caught up with him and walked with him back to the hotel. When they got back to their room, Joel  grabbed a beer from the mini-fridge and stared moodily out the window at Piccadilly Gardens and the wheel.

“What do you want to do?” asked Katy.

Joel shrugged. He knew what he wanted to do. He wanted to bend Katy over his knee and spank her ungrateful little arse. She’d done nothing but snip and complain since they’d arrived in Manchester.

He had never spanked Katy. Never spanked anyone, in fact, but it was something that he thought about a lot. In great Technicolor detail.

He looked over at his girlfriend. She was beautiful, absolutely stunning. Shame about the bad-tempered look she was wearing. Yet she’d submissively followed him back here without a word. She now seemed to be awaiting his instructions. His cock stirred at the thought of it. Why, he wondered, didn’t he just spank her? Maybe that was what she’d been angling for with her bratty behaviour. It was certainly what she deserved.

He set down his beer and sat on the edge of the bed. “Come here,” he commanded.

“Why?”

“Because I’m going to give you a damn good spanking.”

“You’re going to spank me because I wouldn’t go on the wheel?” Katy asked incredulously.

“No, I am going to spank you because you've behaved like a spoilt brat since we got here. The wheel was just the final straw. Now, get over my knee. This will do us both good.”

A tiny, significant second ticked by. Everything hinged on her reaction. She could tell him go to hell. Or storm out. She could, quite feasibly laugh in his face,

But she didn’t do those things. Wonderfully, amazingly, she walked over to where Joel was sitting, her eyes focused on the floor, and laid herself awkwardly over his lap.

He pushed her skirt up to her waist and yanked her knickers to her knees.

“Are you going to use your belt on me, Joel?” Katy asked quietly.

Joel’s cock stiffened at her words. She was so up for this. “We’ll see,” he said, his voice rough with desire.

He spanked her hard and fast covering every inch of her from her waist to the top of her thighs. Her shapely arse changed colour from cream to the hottest hot pink.

Katy let out gasps and squeaks of protest every time Joel’s hand made contact with her flesh. Even though she was wriggling deliciously over his lap, Joel sensed that she wasn't moving as much as she wanted to. She was trying her hardest to be compliant. To submit.

He stopped spanking and admired the warm fiery glow of Katy’s bottom. He wasn’t through with her yet.  Loath as he was to move her from her delightful position, he knew he wasn’t going to get enough of a swing with his belt with her across his knees.

“Up you get,” he said brusquely and Katy jumped to her feet. “Over the bed, face down. You’re going to get whipped with my belt.”

Katy hesitated. “Didn’t I behave well enough during the spanking?”

“You behaved beautifully.” Joel reassured her. “That’s why you’re only going to get three swats with the belt. If you hadn't, it would have been much more. Although I'm going to add more strokes if you don’t lie down on the bed right this instant.”

Katy complied immediately.

He brought the belt down across her buttocks three times in swift succession. Then threw his belt to the floor and admired the three bright red lines running horizontally across Katy’s bottom. He didn’t think he'd ever seen anything more beautiful.

He climbed onto the bed and slipped his fingers between her legs feeling the inviting wetness of her delicious pussy.

“You enjoyed that didn’t you?” he whispered.

Katy didn’t look up. She nodded her head which was still buried in the duvet.

“Oh sweetheart, we are going to have so much fun with it,” he said softly, unbuttoning his jeans and releasing his stiff engorged cock. He entered her swiftly from behind, pounding into her to the sounds of her pleasure. She was already so close to orgasm he realised, He wondered if he could make her come just from spanking her alone? He'd like to try.

They lay together afterwards -  a sweaty, sticky, happy mess. “You were right,” she said. “That did do me good. Thank you.”

“You’re entirely welcome. We’re going to be doing it a lot more.” He smacked her reddened backside for emphasis.

“Shall we go on the Manchester Eye, now?” asked Katy, her eyes shining.

“I didn’t think you wanted to?”

“I’m growing fonder of the idea.”  There was a wicked glint in her eye. “You know, if I say anything unkind about it, you can always take me to task afterwards.”

Joel grinned. He rather hoped she would find something unkind to say about it. “Come on then sweetheart. We have some sightseeing to do.”

Saturday Spankings - “You’ve been quite busy lately, haven’t you?”

Hey Satspankers! It's that time of the week again. I know Saturday Spankings is somehow smooshed together with Spank or Treat this week in some mysterious fashion that I don't fully understand.

I don't have a Spank or Treat entry but I wanted to get into the Halloween spirit anyway so I have given Cass a Halloween makeover and this week's snippet from Lord Westbrook's Muse finds her in a bit of a scary situation. Not monsters scary, you understand. Evil uncle scary. But still.

Slightly less gothic version available from all good booksellers now.

Cass woke in an unfamiliar room. It was small and simply furnished. She guessed she must still be at the coaching inn. Her head felt thick and heavy. She coughed trying to remove the uncomfortable feeling in her throat.

A dark shape in the corner of the room moved and Cass realised her uncle was sitting in a chair in the corner of the room.

“Uncle?” she croaked. “What did you do?”

“Nothing much,” he shrugged. “I have a friend who is a doctor here. I wanted him to examine you. This seemed the easiest way of ensuring your consent.”

“Examine me? What do you mean?” she said even though she knew with a creeping sense of dread exactly what he meant.

Lord Breckenridge came towards the bed. The room was small and he was by her side in a couple of steps. “You’ve been quite busy lately, haven’t you?” His hand shot out and grasped Cass by her neck. “Whoring yourself out. You filthy little slut.”

Cass began to panic as she felt her airflow restrict. She tried to unclasp her uncle’s grip on her throat with her fingers.

He removed his hand. “Don’t worry, whore. I am not about to kill you. There would be too many difficult questions asked if I tried that.  Although, God knows what you’re worth to me now in that state.”

Lord Westbrook’s Muse is Available from:

Amazon.com

Amazon.co.uk

Blushing Books

Barnes & Noble

Lord Robert Westbrook’s life of responsibility and social obligations is turned on its head when he meets Cass, a beautiful and idiosyncratic woman at his mother’s garden party. Cass is a staunch supporter of women’s rights as well as an advocate of dress reform, rejecting the restrictive fashions of the nineteenth century. 

In fact, Cass’s rebellion isn’t limited to her dress sense. She is also determined to experience the excitement and passion of a sexual liaison. Lord Westbrook, she has decided, is the very man she wants to seduce her. Meanwhile Lord Westbrook has determined that Cass requires some stern discipline. 

The couple’s passionate and fiery romance breaks every rule of Victorian decency and kindles a love that neither Cass nor Robert were prepared for. However, when Cass’s secret past finally catches up with her, it seems that the couple’s happiness might be doomed forever.

Check out all the Saturday Spankers and Spank or Treaters below.

Interview with Corbin Bend's Thianna D

I’m really pleased to have the lovely Thianna D on my blog today. Thianna is the author of Chemistry of Attraction and is the founder and the brains behind the hugely successful Corbin’s Bend series. Which makes her pretty much the closest thing the real world has to Brent Carmichael.

Utterly delightful 'Chemistry of Attraction' -the first book in the new Corbin's Bend series

Etta: So, now that Season 2 of Corbin’s Bend is underway, how do you feel about it? Are you pleased with the way things are going?

Thianna: Yes, I am. 7 of the manuscripts are in and have either been edited or are in editing right now. We have a strong line up and some pretty kick-ass authors – you included (Aw, thank you. I don't think I've ever been described as 'kickass' before - Etta)

Etta: How did the idea for the series come about? Has it turned out like you imagined it?

Thianna: When I started writing Finding Their Bliss, the first book in the series, I did what I normally do – I put pen to paper and let the story take shape. (I’m a pantser, plotting kills my muse). Half way through I saw the full scope of the community and knew it had the possibility to be a wonderful series. And I just knew if we could make it multi-authored it would be even better. In every community there will be people you like, people you don’t like, and people you just walk by without noticing. There is a different feel to the place depending on who you are hanging around with. Corbin’s Bend is like that with all the amazing authors we have pitching in. Each one has added to the series in an amazing way.

Etta: If Corbin’s Bend was a real place, would you move there? What aspects of Corbin’s Bend life do you think would be the best? What would be the most difficult to get used to?

Thianna: I already consider Corbin’s Bend home. LOL. Seriously. If it was real, I would do anything to move there. It’s kind of the pinnacle of a dream community for me: domestic discipline, spanking, and yes, the discipline board included. As for the most difficult to get used to… For me, I think it would be the fact it is a family community. I’d probably be happiest if it was adults only J

Etta: You’ve now written about four different couples in Corbin’s Bend. Brent and Charmagne in Finding Their Bliss, Matt and Julie in Where They Both Belong, Trevor and Brittany in the short story Eau de Guilt and now Brandon and Dina in Chemistry of Attraction. Which characters are you most fond of? Or is it mean to make you play favourites? 

Thianna: LOL We won’t tell ;) Actually, it isn’t difficult at all to choose my favorite characters in Corbin’s Bend. Only one is a major character: Brent Carmichael. I adore the man. To me, he’s like the perfect alpha male. But I also have real soft spots for Jonathon Travers and his partner Benjamin Steppings. I would LOVE to be their neighbor.

Brent Carmichael. Thianna luuuurves him.

Etta: What’s next for Corbin’s Bend? Will there be a Corbin’s Bend Season 3? A TV Series? A theme park?

Thianna OOOH! I’m so down with the theme park – though I don’t think we’ll mention the rides! There will be a Season three – it’s being worked on now, actually. Would I love to see it as a television series? Yes! Oh, I can definitely see it as a series – done well! – with all of our amazing characters. I would actually buy a television to watch! Or semi-demand, beg, whatever to get the DVD to watch on my computer J

Etta: Next, as Chemistry of Attraction is the first book in the new season, I want you to spill the beans on some of your firsts.

First movie you remember going to see? 

Ummm. The first one I remember was a horrible documentary movie about Noah’s ark at a drive-in theatre. I think I slept through most of it, though my parents and sister seemed to like it.

First thing you do after waking up?

– I do two things every morning: oil pulling and go to the gym. Better than caffeine to wake me up.

First meal you learnt how to cook? 

*snort* Okay, I’ll tell you the good and the bad. My first meal was in my teens. Mom left it for me to cook for me and my dad since she and my sister were out of town. I figured if it took 2 hours to cook at 350, then at 500, it should cook in less than an hour. Not surprisingly, it was burnt on the outside and raw on the inside. The first meal that worked out was in college – spaghetti marina - and I remember when I told my mother that my roommates were all impressed with my cooking skills and her reaction was “you cook?”

Thianna in the kitchen.

First thing you’d grab if your house was on fire?

My keys. I was in a burning apartment building once. After you’ve been through that, you realize that nothing matters except getting the living creatures out. That’s all. Everything else can be replaced.

Andy Gibb. He's a woman's man. No time to talk.

First holiday you took without your parents (or other adult supervision)? 

I went to Tijuana and San Diego when I was 18. I don’t remember a lot, but I do remember getting lost in TJ. In San Diego, I lost one of my sandals to the ocean and walked around the rest of the day in one bare foot because I couldn’t afford to buy new shoes. On the way back to our college, one of the other students had to take my money to buy my dinner – cause no shoes, no service.

First crush you had on a celebrity or fictional character? 
Oh dear – Andy Gibb. I had the hots for the man and when he died, I cried for like 3 days. I’ve also had crushes on several Earls from Barbara Cartland novels and several greek gods from Harlequin novels in my youth.

Now that I’m older? I’m holding out for my own Brent Carmichael. Where is he? : )

Chemistry of Attraction - the first book of the new Corbin's Bend series is out now. Check out my fairly excitable review of it here.

And if you haven't already bought it - and why on earth wouldn't you have yet? - it's available from all the below places.

Thianna D's website
Amazon.com 

Amazon.co.uk
Barnes and Noble
Blushing Books

Book Review - Daddy's Game by Normandie Alleman

Want to know more about the book review star rating system? Or find out what other books I've reviewed? Check out this page here.

Daddy's Game

Five Stars!

Daddy’s Game is a wonderfully engaging, sweet, sexy book.  I am so pleased I read it because I almost didn’t.

Although, I adore Normandie Alleman’s spanky pirate books, I avoided reading any of her Daddy’s Girl series for a while. I’m not really into age play and having ‘Daddy’ in the title did put me off. Why bring dads into it? Dads aren’t sexy! Well, my dad certainly isn’t. (It’s possible my mum might disagree with that but I’m not going to think about because parents + sex = ewww.). You know how it is with kinks that aren’t your kink. They always seem a bit weird.

I am not going to bang on about my age-play bafflement. I don’t want to come across like one of those people who leave reviews on my favourite books saying “I liked the romance in this story but it was ruined by the hero continually turning the heroine over his lap and spanking her. Why did he keep doing that?” I just want to respond to the review saying “Because spanking makes everything more awesome, do you see?”

Daddy Morebucks and Daddy’s Game aren’t really age play stories, anyway. Although, the books’ heroes like their ladies to call them ‘Daddy’, the sugerdaddy/sugerbaby dynamic is more about the characters enjoying a relationship at the sweeter end of the BDSM spectrum than about any child/parent role-play. There are definitely no diapers in here.

I enjoyed Daddy Morebucks but I’m going to concentrate on Daddy’s Game in this review. Partly because I read it more recently but mostly because as a love story it is just about perfect.  Not only is it well written, it contains two of the best drawn, most believable characters I’ve come across in an erotic novel. The heroes, Carmen and Natron grow and develop throughout the story in believable – and not always expected – ways. Natron is a successful American Football star. When he sustains an injury which prevents him playing for months and threatens his entire career, his and Carmen’s responses to it – both good and bad – are credible and engaging.

Americans refer to this simply as 'football'. They're wrong, of course.

There’s quite a lot of sports talk in the book. As I made clear in my review of Katherine Deane’s The Coach’s Discipline, I am really, really not into sport. You’d be hard pressed to find someone less into sport than me, in fact. So I am afraid that I skimmed through some of the more sportsier passages in Daddy’s Game. Once you start talking about quarterbacks and scrimmages and pass plays, I just zone out. It’s not like I’m ever going to learn the rules. I haven’t learnt the rules of real sports; I’m not going to bother with a ridiculous made-up sport like American Football.

Admittedly all sports can be considered both ‘real’ and ‘made up’

While I might not have understood any of it, the sporty aspects of the book provide a nice background against which the drama of the story can play out. Natron’s high profile career as a professional sportsman contrasts nicely with Carmen’s job as an artist. It showcases Natron’s personality as a high-achieving forceful man whose competitive edge drives him to go for the things he wants.

The sex scenes in this book are super hot as the pair enjoy all manner of dom/sub sexy fun. There was a pony play segment which I did find a little weird. Not the bridle and ponytail butt plug which was fine but the post sex scene in which Natron has Carmen lick his spunk from a bowl. I felt a little bit queasy at the thought of it. If I’m dealing with a gentleman’s bollock yogurt, I want it to fresh from the source, as it were. Once it’s been sitting around, congealing in a bowl, it’s rather unappetising.

Still, you can’t fault the characters (or Normandie Alleman) for their inventiveness.

I loved spending time with Carmen and Natron. As people, they were far from perfect. Often their behaviour made me want to bang their heads together and then give them a jolly good talking to. “Natron, stop taking your frustrations out on Carmen. Carmen, stop leaping to conclusions. Both of you, talk this through.” But you know what, that just made me like them even more.  Relationships aren’t always easy and the difficulties Natron had to overcome were real enough that I’m prepared to give him a bit of slack. Ultimately, the real reason I got frustrated with them was I cared about them so damn much. I really, really wanted things to work out for them.

Normandie Alleman has paved the way for plenty more books in this series. The ‘Daddy’s Little Girl Club’ – a group of girls which includes Carmen from this book and Marley from Daddy Morebucks – has plenty more submissive sugerbabies with stories to tell. I can’t wait to hear them.

Saturday Spankings - All she wanted now were kind words

There ain't no spanking like a Saturday Spanking

Hey, spankfans! It's that time of week again.

I have another snippet from Lord Westbrook's Muse because it's still all shiny and new and I guarantee* that buying it will make you happy**.

* I don't really guarantee this. But it probably will.
** Of course, short of having some sort of reliable Happy-o-meter, how are we ever going to prove it one way or the other?

This snippet takes place directly after last week's. Lord Westbrook is administering some harsh discipline with a riding crop

The riding crop cut through the air and landed across the top of her buttocks creating a line of fire that made her cry out immediately. More strokes followed. Each one landed on an untouched part of her bottom, causing a line of pain so acute it felt as though she was being branded. 

At long last, Lord Westbrook stopped. He stepped away from the position he had held behind her. He was still holding the crop. He had not spoken a word since the punishment had begun. 

Cass remained bent over the table gripping the edge of the table, her tears flowing freely, choked with sobs. Despite the harsh punishment, all she wanted now were kind words from Lord Westbrook. She wanted him to hold her and caress her hair as he done on previous evenings. It will be all right, she told herself. As long as he shows that he still cares about me.

"Loved the characters and couldn't put the book down!!!" says reviewer Elizabeth on Amazon. You should all listen to Elizabeth. She is a woman of exemplary taste.

Synopsis:
Lord Robert Westbrook’s life of responsibility and social obligations is turned on its head when he meets Cass, a beautiful and idiosyncratic woman at his mother’s garden party. Cass is a staunch supporter of women’s rights as well as an advocate of dress reform, rejecting the restrictive fashions of the nineteenth century. 

In fact, Cass’s rebellion isn’t limited to her dress sense. She is also determined to experience the excitement and passion of a sexual liaison. Lord Westbrook, she has decided, is the very man she wants to seduce her. Meanwhile Lord Westbrook has determined that Cass requires some stern discipline. 

The couple’s passionate and fiery romance breaks every rule of Victorian decency and kindles a love that neither Cass nor Robert were prepared for. However, when Cass’s secret past finally catches up with her, it seems that the couple’s happiness might be doomed forever.

Lord Westbrook’s Muse is Available from:

Amazon.com

Amazon.co.uk

Blushing Books

Barnes & Noble

WIP It Up Wednesday - "I think of the most terrible things"

WIPping in action

Well, this is all very new and exciting - I have never partaken in a WIP It Up Wednesday before. Sure, I've lurked on other people's but that's hardly the same. Right here, right now, I am surrendering my Wipster Virginity.

The story I'm sharing with you today has barely been started. I've actually got two more books to finish before I can get stuck into it. But I wanted to share it because it'll be the third instalment of what I'll call my "Westbrook Trilogy" (you know when I'm giving interviews on arts programmes and stuff). There are all stand alone books set in Victorian England which are connected by the Westbrook family. Lord Westbrook's Muse came out last week - you should go and check it out!). This WIP is nominally titled "The Westbrook Trial" (although that will almost certainly change - I'm rubbish at titles.)

Lord Westbrook's brother, Jasper Westbrook has been arrested along with his lover, Charles Taylor because this is 1878 and being in love with another man is enough to land you in prison. This isn't Jasper and Charles's story though. I don't think I'm ready to try a M/M romance just yet.

This is the story of Charles's sister, Flora - who is determined to help her brother in any way she can - and William Beech, a solicitor and very close friend of Charles and Jasper.

This scene below takes place just after the arrest of her brother. Flora is in shock and it leads to her making a very revealing confession to William.

“Here, drink this,” said William, passing Miss Taylor a glass of brandy. She accepted the drink and took several large sips, becoming noticeably calmer as she did so. “I understand that it must be hard for you to accept your brother’s predilections.”

Miss Taylor shook her head. “That isn’t it. I don’t blame Charles for wanting to be with Mr Westbrook.. I know others consider them abnormal but who am I to judge what is normal? I often have feelings which I am sure would horrify you, Mr Beech.”

William looked at the slender beauty sitting in his study and doubted that she was capable of saying anything that could horrify him. “Surely not, Miss Taylor,” he said.

“It’s true,” she replied. “When I think of love, I think of the most terrible things.”

“What on earth do you mean?” asked William gently.

Miss Taylor finished off the brandy in her glass. William refilled it, sensing that the liquor was probably giving her the courage to talk to him.

She took another sip immediately and began haltingly to speak, her eyes focused on the floor by her feet. “I like to imagine women being punished,” she said in a voice almost too quiet to hear. “I think about women being spanked or caned or thrashed with a belt. It gives me ... pleasure when I think of it. And I like to think of those things being done to me. How I would feel if someone struck me in that way.” She took another gulp of brandy. “So you can see why I cannot possibly condemn Charles. My own perversions are so much worse. I fear there must be something dreadfully wrong with me to think the things that I do. Forgive me, Mr Beech, if I have disgusted you.”

Of the dozens of emotions that Miss Taylor’s words had fired up inside of him, William could quite confidently say that not a single one came close to disgust.

His heart thumping, he stood up and walked to his bookshelf from where he removed a slim volume in a plain cover.

“I think you are too hard on yourself, Miss Taylor,” he said. “Perhaps you would like to take a look at this.”

Miss Taylor took the book and looked at the page to which he had opened it. Her eyes widened in shock.

He had chosen a page with which he was very familiar. It contained an illustration of a woman was bent over a man’s lap, her skirts and petticoats thrown over her back and her bare bottom prominently on display. The man held in his hand a bundle of birch twigs which he held poised ready to strike the woman across her exposed posterior. The welts across her back side showed that the man had already delivered several stinging blows. The woman’s mouth was open in protest but she did not appear to be struggling to escape. Indeed, the pose in which she had been drawn suggested that she was actually lifting her bottom into the air as if presenting it for more punishment.

Miss Taylor stared at the picture, trembling slightly. Looking at her reaction, William suddenly felt like a heel for exposing her to such an image. She was a well-brought up young lady. What had he been thinking? He went to remove the book from her hands. “Forgive me,” he said. “That was exceedingly inappropriate. I should not have shown you such a thing. Please don’t be alarmed.”

As he moved to remove the book from her hands, Miss Taylor gripped the book tighter. “I am not alarmed,” she said, her eyes still riveted to the picture. “Mr Beech, this drawing – it must have taken many hours to complete, don’t you think?”

“I imagine so.”

“And then somebody printed it and bound it and someone – you – bought it. And all so that people could see this picture of this woman getting her backside thrashed like this?”

“Yes.”

Miss Taylor looked at him, her eyes shining. “Then other people feel the same way I do? I am not the only one?”

I will actually be breaking away from my spanky Victorian romance niche for my next book which is a contemporary romance and part of the Corbin's Bend series. Until then you should check out all my spanky Victorian romances below. Go on, you'll like them.

Lord Westbrook's Muse

Lady Westbrook's Discovery

His Lordship's Apprentice

Book Review - The New Rules by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider

Want to know more about the book review star rating system? Or find out what other books I've reviewed? Check out this page here.

Back in 1995, Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider published The Rules: Time-tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right. In it they claimed to have found a sure-fire recipe for finding your perfect man which largely consisted of not returning a man’s phone calls and generally playing hard to get. Behaving like ‘no’ means ‘yes’ basically. The book hit all the bestseller lists but raised a lot of questions like “Isn’t that kind of sexist?” and “Won’t that kind of behaviour make guys think it’s OK to act like stalky weirdoes?” And most pertinently, “What the actual fuck?”

Fein and Schneider have clearly decided that another generation of women are clearly ready for their unfounded wisdom and have released “The New Rules: the dating dos and don’ts for the digital generation.”

Although “Rules 2: This time it’s rulesier” would have been better.

Apparently they have been inundated by women who just desperate to live their lives by the rules set out for them in their by now presumably dog-eared original copies of The Rules but who are flummoxed and confused about how to follow them in this crazy new world of texting and social media.

I’m not convinced that there was a lot of work put into updating the original. Mostly they seem to have put “or email” after every instance of “phone” and called it an afternoon. There are sections on Facebook and texting but they’ve already told you to remain aloof and not return his phone calls for four days. Having separate chapters telling you not to answer his texts for four days and not to answer his Facebook messages for four days seems a little unnecessary.

Who am I kidding, though? The whole damn thing is unnecessary.  Who reads this sort of thing? Who writes this sort of thing? Who decided that apropos of no kind of qualifications or relevant experience whatsoever, they are the perfect person to dictate to women how to behave?

And dictate really isn’t too strong a word in this instance. Everything in Rules world is black or white. You follow Fein and Schneider’s rules to the letter or your life will be one big fuck-up. End of.

The absolutely certainty of their assertions made is astonishingly.  One edict which is continually hammered home is the rule that the woman can never make the first move. Ever. You can’t ask a man out on a date or even say ‘hi’ first because if you do, you will fuck up everything. There are no exceptions in Rules World.

You know that marriage of yours that you thought has been going swimmingly for the last fifteen years? Well, if it all began when you struck up a conversation with your husband unbidden, then your whole relationship is on borrowed time. It’s a hollow sham.

Because, you see, what a woman has to remember is that “she cannot be the aggressor without eventually regretting it. Like it or not, being the one asked out, not the asker is the only way it works with a man.” Well, that’s us told then. Women – know your limits.

Fein and Schneider recognise that everybody is an individual. You are a creature unlike any other, they tell us. They even shorten Creature Unlike Any Other to CUAO and use it a lot so you know they mean business. You are unique, they tell us, you have your own style. Be yourself.

As long, that it, as your self is enigmatic, doesn’t hold strong opinions and always allows the man to do most of the talking in a conversation. Oh and when it comes to your looks, the authors are unequivocal that you should do the following

• Grow your hair long and wear it straight. (Invest in some hair-straighteners curly-haired ladies! Your future happiness depends upon it.)
• Wear bronzer
• Swap your glasses for contact lenses
• Always wear high heels, tops that show cleavage and tight skirts or skinny jeans
• Wear three inch hoop earrings at all times

So, you know, be yourself. Unless your self isn’t exactly like the ideal woman described above, In which case, be her instead.

Less sexist than The Rules

To be fair to Fein and Schneider – and I don’t know why I’m bothering beyond the sheer mental exercise of the thing – not every single piece of advice in the book is bad. They encourage their readers to make an effort to get and meet new people which is fair enough.

Of course, once you’ve met someone you are then encouraged to play a bunch of silly manipulative games in the manner of an attention-seeking nine year old at a slumber party. Don’t make the first move. Don’t ever pay for dinner. Don’t talk too much in the first few weeks.  Always end a phone or online conversation first. You don’t even have to wait for a lull in the conversation, just say I have to run!” and hang up. Men love that, apparently.

Most importantly, don’t ever suggest the day or time for a date.  I don’t know why this is so important. Presumably it totally emasculates a man if you say “How about Thursday at eight?” to him. You might as well just chop his penis off and be done with it, you brazen hussy.

This rule is so important that the authors genuinely suggest that you have the below conversation rather than just answer a straightforward question.

Him: Hey, want to go out some time?
You: Sure. That sounds good.
Him: Okay. When are you free?
You: Well, when did you have in mind?
Him: How‘s tomorrow, Tuesday night, for drinks?
(Of course being a Rules girl, you would have to say no to a last minute date)
You: So sorry, but I already have plans.
Him: Then how’s Wednesday night?
You: Actually, work is really crazy this week!
Him: Ok, so how’s your weekend?
You: The weekend is good (but don’t mention any specific date)
Him: Okay, how’s your Friday night look?
You: Actually, I may have plans Friday night.
Him: Saturday night?
You: Sure, Saturday night would be great!

No matter what it takes you mustn’t ever suggest a date (or agree to most of the dates he suggests, apparently). It’s like the yes/no game. But more stupid. “Remember, he has to fish and hunt otherwise it will be too easy and he will get bored.” Sure, who can resist a challenge like having to rattle off every day of the bloody week every time you want to go out for dinner?

Giving this book one star is absurdly generous. This book isn’t just stupid, trite, badly written and more than a little sexist. It’s hateful. It reduces dating to a reality show-style competition in which underhanded tactics are the only way to win. It portrays men and women as adversaries. When it comes to finding happiness, aren’t we all on the same side? If you can accept than any women actually follow this piffle (and I dearly hope that they don’t and that all the authors’ case studies are as phoney as they sound), then the picture of women to come out of this book, is that of shallow manipulative players who favour  point-scoring over formulating any kind of connection.

Not pictured: bungee jumping

It’s men though who really get the rough end of the deal in Rules World. Sure the women may be playing you, but those big dumb blokes are just so very easy to control. Read this book and you will be able to pull the strings of the meat puppet of your choosing until he has no choice but to bung a ring on your finger.

As the rules tell us: “Men are extremely visual and can’t be attracted to a woman just because she is nice, smart or funny.” Hey, all men ever, I didn’t know that about you before. Thank god I have Fein and Schneider to set me straight.

To sum up, and just in case you were in any doubt about how different men and women are, this is what actually passes for advice in a self-help book in 2013:

“Men and women are not the same romantically. Men love a challenge while women love security.  Men love to buy and sell companies as well as extreme sports like mountain climbing and bungee jumping, while women love to talk about dates and watch romantic comedies.”

Hahahahahahahahahahah. Piffle.

Hobnobbing with Renee Rose

I was a special guest over on Renee Rose's blog today which was, of course, tremendously exciting.

If you haven't read the question and answer session between Renee and me over there, you should nip over and check it out straightaway. She asks all kinds of challenging questions about writing and feminism and my latest book Lord Westbrook's Muse and I do my level best to answer them.

Look it's me! On Renee Actual Rose's website! OMG!

I am - as anybody who has read this blog for more than five minutes has probably worked out - a huge fan of Renee Rose. Discovering her books was literally life-changing in fact. I had no idea that there was a world of erotic spanking romance that was so well written and utterly engaging. I devoured all Renee's books and quickly discovered a whole bunch of other amazing and perfectly kinky authors like Maren Smith and Annabel Joseph. Within six months of reading my first Renee Rose book, I had decided that this was something that I wanted to be part of and started my first book, His Lordship's Apprentice.

Sometimes to step back and realise quite how well that particular plan has come together. I feel quite at home amongst the proper spanking romance writers now. In fact, given that I have three books published and a fourth coming out in December, I may even be a proper spanking romance writer myself now.

I mean, if I'm hobnobbing with the likes of Renee Rose, it's probably going OK.