Spanking A2Z: Unicorns to Zoetropes

So last month, I participated in Celeste Jones's Spanking A2Z challenge. As required, I produced blog posts for ALL the letters of the alphabet from A to T.

Only, you know what? Apparently, there are more letters after T in the alphabet. Who knew? I blame the British education system. (Although to be fair, you'd have thought that the 'Z' in #spankingA2Z would have provided my first clue.)

Obviously, I can't move on with my blog (or my life) until I have dealt with the rest of these pesky letters. So hold tight, readers, this is going to be a whirlwind journey through letters U to Z.

Unicorns

Horse with a ruddy great weapon attached to its face

Seriously, people, what is the deal with unicorns? Obviously, I am missing out on 95% of the appeal of unicorns by not being a pony-ish/horsey sort of girl. Even though I live in Surrey and one in every three vehicles here is a horsebox. If you don't have a "I stop for horses" bumper sticker on the back of your car, you may as well be telling your fellow road users "I mow down horses and their riders for shits and giggles".

I still don't get the unicorn thing. Why does sticking a ruddy great weapon on the front of a horse's face make it more whimsical and magical?

Would a hamster be more adorable if it had a chainsaw attached to its nose? Would you like rabbits better if their ears could double up as ninja death stars? What about if a goldfish could shit incendiary devices? Or if cats had lethally sharp weapons springing out of their paws at a moment's notice? Oh wait, cats actually do have that. And that shit's real. Cats win. They always do.

Vaginas and Vulvas

There was a thread on Mumsnet recently complaining that a school sex education talk told pre-pubescent girls they will grow hair on their vaginas when they hit puberty. They won't. Women don't have hair on their vaginas. The vagina is the genital tract. It's all internal. Women have hair on their mons pubis and their outer labia. Hell, if they're like me, they have hair from just below their belly to halfway to their knees if they don't choose to do something about it.

When did 'vagina' become the catch-all term for a woman's intimate area? OK, it's better than referring to 'front bottoms' or 'flowers' or 'lady gardens' or, you know, a 'woman's intimate area' but it still isn't right.

Umm...

If you're talking about the external stuff, then why not just refer to the vulva? That covers the mons pubis, the inner and outer labia, the clitoris, the vaginal opening and the external urethral orifice. The whole shebang as gynecologists (probably) say.

Germaine Greer advocates using the word 'cunt' as a term which encompasses all the female sex organs. I love the word 'cunt'. I try not to use it too often as I like to keep it for special occasions. Like having a best set of crockery that you only get out for special visitors. 'Cunt' isn't synonymous with 'vulva' anyway.  'Cunt' includes the vagina but excludes the urethra. (I feel like there's a Venn diagram just waiting to happen, here. And I do love a Venn diagram.)

Embrace the word 'vulva'. It covers a multitude of terribly interesting areas. Although if you do want to keep referring to 'cupcakes', 'flowers' and 'mimsies', I'll try not to judge you.

Just don't advise your daughters to shave their vaginas. That could get really messy.


Westerfield Affair, The

I could have gone with Westbrook for 'W' but, you know, you've probably had enough of that sort of thing.

Enjoy a snippet from Renee Rose's "The Westerfield Affair" instead. Because goodness knows, I never talk about her on this blog.

“Well, I've come around, will you let me up?” 

“No.” 

“Are you going to spank me again?” 

His mouth twitched with what appeared to be humor. “No.” 

“Then--?” 

“I rather like holding you like this.” 

She bit her lip, trying not to smile. 

“We should not be in here alone.” 

“No, we shouldn't,” he agreed. 

“So will you let me up?” 

“No,” he refused flatly. 

She rolled her eyes and reached up, plucking the end of his cravat and yanking it, so it came untied. It was a bold to tease him now, considering he'd shown no compunction in turning her over his knee, but his eyes crinkled with amusement and he smiled down at her.

You know I'm not even slightly apologetic for more Renee Rose-ness on my blog, don't you?

Best spanky romance. EVAH

X

Big X, little X, what begins with X? Well, nothing much does, does it? X is a very much a letter for coming at the end or in the middle of words.

Even Dr Seuss acknowledges this in Dr Seuss' ABC. 

X is very useful if your name is Nixie Knox
It also comes in handy spelling 'ax' and 'extra fox'

And let's face it very few of us are called Nixie Knox. (I know three Nixie Knoxes, tops.) So it's just the ax, fox and people-who-want-to-score-well-in-Scrabble contingent who need to worry about it.

I wrote about X-rated movies for my 2014 X blog post but I really can't think of another X-word that I want to write about on my nominally spanking-themed blog. X-rays? Xenophobia? Xylophones?

Actually, it occurs to me that xylophones are massively over-represented in their importance to impressionable young children. So are zebras. Almost 8% of alphabet-themed wallcharts consist of xylophones and zebras. Children must grow up thinking those two things are going to be vastly more significant in their lives than they actually are.

Make sure you learn this word, kids. It's going to be HUGELY important in your adult lives.

Yes!

Or rather "Yes, yes, yessss, Oh God, Yesssssssss!"

Of course, the most famous "Yes!"-based orgasm scene in popular culture isn't even a real orgasm. Still a marvellous clip, though.


I've never understood the trope about shouting out the name of the wrong lover in bed. Do people really call out their sexual partners' names at the point of climax? I have never done it. Shouting out "Nigel! Nigel! Oh, Nigel!" would just seem kind of weird and awkward in the circumstances.

I'm sure I do say "Yes!" a lot, though. Apart from anything else, it's positive reinforcement. You don't want to be all negative if a gentleman is doing his utmost to pleasure you. There's a scene in the movie This Year's Love where Ian Hart is attempting to pleasure Jennifer Ehle. She dismissively says "No... no... not like that" in response to his efforts. Well, that's not going to get the job done, is it sweetheart?

Far better to say "Yes" to the best bits. Gives a bloke a bit of feedback. Which I find encourages more "Yes"s. Leading, of course, to "Yessssss!", "Yessssssssss!" and "Oh, my fucking god, Yesssssssss!". Culminating in utter speechlessness when it all becomes much too marvellous for words.

Zoetropes

You've all seen a zoetrope, right? It's a fancier version of the flip-book and was briefly popular in the nineteenth century. My internet-age daughter had her mind blown by the ones at The Museum of Childhood in London when she was little.


Zoetropes were pretty quickly eclipsed by film. Why stare through a tiny slit in a rotating drum when there's actual proper moving images on screen? Of course, the interesting thing is that film is based on exactly the same principles as the zoetrope. Which is that our brains are quite easily fooled. Show me a quick succession of moving images and my brain will happily fill in the gaps to ensure that it looks like a smooth progression of movement happening in front of my eyes.

Happily, the art of creating zoetropes is still alive and well. Both Studio Gibli and Pixar have created 3D zoetropes in order to demonstrate how animation works.

Just watch the clip below and tell me those characters aren't moving. I refuse to believe otherwise. Actually, why did they even need to build a zoetrope? Why not just get the characters from Toy Story to walk around independently. They can totally do that. It's not like they need those tricks. The Toy Story films were fly-on-the-wall documentaries, right?


So there you go. I may not be able to claim that I completed the #SpankA2Z challenge this year. What with being three weeks behind schedule and everything, But at least I can move on with my life, now.

Quoting bits of my favourite spanking romance stories

This is my 'Q' post for the Spanking A-Z Blog Challenge. "What's that?" you ask. Check out my page here for more information and a list of all the wonderful bloggers taking part.

I imagine anyone who reads my blog is a fan of spanky romance stories. If you're not, you're probably continually confused about the sort of stuff I write about here. "What the hell?" you must ask yourself. "I just came here for an update on the cricket scores. Why is this woman always going on about bare bottom over-the-knee spankings?"

Just go with it. It's delightful.

I love a spanky romance, and some spanky romances I love so much that I'll return to favourite passages on more than one occasion. Here are some of my favourites.

Geneva DeCroix - Jesslina Meets Lord Piers

Lady's Maid Part 1

This was one of the first erotic spanking books I bought on my Kindle. I loved the story of feisty barmaid Jesslina who has a particularly bad day at work when some poor judgement on her part results in titled landowner, Lord Piers, and his drinking companions getting drenched in beer.

Lord Piers stood and wiped at the ale, which  stained his very expensive clothing. "I've found, Bruns, when a servant of mine is forgetting their place, a dose of the strap often helps. One can't go dismissing a girl for every little error, especially a girl as pretty as this," he said. He reached out and brushed the back of his hand along Jess's cheek.

Bruns started. "But sir, she's a grown woman. I can't strap her like a naughty child."

"Oh but you must. For her own sake and for yours. How will she learn what you expect of her if you don't discipline her?"

Spanking - as you've probably already guessed - ensues.

Renee Rose - Loving Lucia

Loving Lucia

This book was one of my earliest introductions to Renee Rose's wonderful romances. Lucia has been given some misleading (and apparently quite graphic) advice from her servants about to how best to please her husband Marco Donarati, the Count of Parma on their wedding night.

She hesitated just a little before she leaned forward and put her mouth over the tip. He made a low growling sound and shuddered.

Careful not to touch him too much with her teeth, she took him a little farther into her mouth, and then slid him out and tried again. There was a slight salty taste. She tried folding her lips over her teeth, and slid him in and out of her mouth that way, her mouth making a tight sheath around his girth. From the way he jerked and groaned, it seemed to please him.

But before she could get much further with this new activity, he stopped her, putting a hand on her head and pulling out.

"Have you done this before, Lucia?" he asked in a strange, strangled voice.

There follows a bit of a disagreement between our two protagonists. Marco is concerned that his new wife appears to know the sexual techniques of a whore. Lucia is horrified by the suggestion that her new husband might think her anything other than a virgin and slaps his face for suggesting otherwise. Luckily it's soon cleared up once the couple talk things through. Oh and some over-the-knee spanking helps as well of course. It always does.

Annabel Joseph - Disciplining the Duchess

Disciplining the Duchess

Another favourite from back when I was reading erotic spanky romances before I'd ever considered writing one myself. I love awkward unconventional Harmony Barrett. I love how the stiff conventional Duke of Courtland doesn't mean to fall in love with her but does anyway. You know when you can't stop reading a book but you really don't want it to end? Yeah, that.

"When I see you like this..." Her hands were back to teasing at the folds of his cravat. "I... I do not not know what comes over me. I have the most... unladylike... thoughts."

Court came to a slow and bemused realisation. His wife was trying to seduce him - whether intentionally or innocently he did not know. He did not care.

"Untie it," he said in a low voice.

Her steady gaze flickered for a moment. She paused, then he felt her fingers working at the linen. "I hate to disturb it, it looks so lovely," she said as she placed the sapphire-tipped pin in his palm.

He slipped it into the pocket of his coat for his valet to find later. "Tell me about these unladylike thoughts."

 Note: This book is now available as part of the box set Renaissance Discipline

Casey McKay - Cursed Waters

Cursed Waters

Cursed Waters is without doubt the very best zombie and spanking based romance ever written. Although that description does it a disservice. It's a very, very good work of fiction, regardless of genre (and the spanking/zombie fiction genre is a criminally neglected one in any case). And happily it comes with a good dose of zombies, spankings and a wonderfully believable romance between our heroes, Roxy and Trevor.

"Are you agreeing to stick with me?" He questioned her again. She nodded and let out an annoyed sigh. He slid his hand up the back of her leg, snaking up her shorts and taking her ass in his hand. "I won't hesitate to remind you," he said as he gave her cheek a squeeze.

"No way, you're not allowed to just spank me because you feel like it," she protested and pushed his hand away.

He smiled at her. "A natural disaster, a missing person, and strange people inexplicably roaming the sidewalks." Trevor pulled her close against him and placed a kiss on her lips. "We're in crisis mode, babe. Rules don't apply and I will spank your ass if you get out of line." He winked at her and sauntered across the room, stifling a laugh at her stunned expression.

The world might be ending, but he still knew how to tease.

Patricia Green - Eddie, My Love

Eddie, My Love

So imagine a future where fully immersive virtual reality holidays are a thing, like the holodeck on Star Trek: The Next Generation. And then imagine that a twenty-second century young woman has chosen to enjoy a virtual holiday in a 1950s film noir mystery and meets unbelievably sexy, hard boiled private detective, Eddie Strong. She doesn't know if he's a real person enjoying his own virtual holiday or a computer generated avatar. She falls for him, anyway, because Oh my God, why wouldn't you? The man's delicious.

He pulled out the chair and took a seat, patting his thighs.

"Over my lap."

June's voice was low and breathy as she said, "Eddie, we can do so many better things with my panties off, don't you think?"

It was hard to think, but Eddie did his best. "I agree but let's start with a spanking and see where it goes."

She immediately straightened and pouted. Her panties fell down to her ankles and she stepped out of them. "Fine. Have it your way."

"I intend to." He patted his thighs again.

 Note: This book is now available as part of the box set Romantek

Katherine Deane - The Coach's Discipline.

The Coach's Discipline

You wouldn't think I'd be able to relate to this book, given how it's all about physical fitness and whatnot. I don't understand sport. What does it do? Where's the end product? The closest I get to a fitness regime is tapping away at a keyboard. When future technology means I can finally get round to inputting stuff directly from my brain to my laptop, I won't even need to expend that amount of energy.

And despite this, despite being the least sportsiest person ever, I loved this story of runner, Claire Jacobs and her coach, Nick. They're just so bloody lovely together, you see.

"Do you need something else, Jacobs?"

She quickly shook her head, then nodded, then shrugged her shoulders with a huge sigh.

He let out a low chuckle and grinned. "Are you lying to me, young lady?"

Her eyes widened, and she bit her lip as she stammered, "Yes Sir?"

"Do you want me to spank you, Claire?"

Crimson stained her cheeks as she nodded a quick affirmation.

"All you had to do was ask." He smiled and pulled her to a standing position. "Bend over the table."

So there you go, six quotes from six spanky books I love. And I bet none of them will make it into the next edition of the Oxford Dictionary of Quotations because there's no justice in the world. *

* Oh and also because my quotes are way too long for the Oxford Dictionary of Quotations so there's that too.

Naming One's Sci-Fi Characters (When One is Casey McKay)

This is my 'N' post for the Spanking A-Z Blog Challenge. "What's that?" you ask. Check out my page here for more information and a list of all the wonderful bloggers taking part.

I don't have guest bloggers round these parts very often. I should definitely do it more. I keep this blog scrupulously hoovered and stocked full of tea, coffee and snacks. Guest bloggers are always welcome. You don't even need to take your shoes off.

And I am very excited to have Casey McKay, the World's Second Best Writer of Spanky Erotic Romance on my blog today. 

(I do hope Ms McKay isn't offended by the "second-best" bit of my introduction. As a good friend, she understands my utter fangirlish obsessive love of Number One Erotic Spanky Romance Writer, Renee Rose better than anyone. I am sure Casey would be hugely impressed with the "I HEART Renee" tableau that I have constructed in my living room. It's very tastefully done. I have constructed a life-size replica of Lord Darlington via the medium of balloon modelling and everything. Being the very best writer of spanky romance (apart from Renee Rose) is the best compliment that anyone who isn't Renee Rose can possibly hope to aspire to.)

So I will hand you over to the lovely Casey McKay now. She is going to discuss her new book and her first Sci-Fi romance, His Rebellious Queen and talk about how she found choosing names for Sci Fi characters wasn't the same as coming up with names for characters in her previous books.

Available in all good bookshops. Also, evil ones.

Thanks for having me over today Etta! 

(Etta: Delighted to have you here, Casey. Have a cup of tea and a chocolate digestive. What are you planning to talk about?)

Today I thought I would talk about naming characters and the fun I had figuring out names for my new sci fi romance, His Rebellious Queen.

I am the type of author that I need to have names figured out before I start writing. I am not a plotter, mind you, so I don't need to know what the characters are doing just yet, but I need to know their names and have a personality sketch of each one in my mind. For this reason I love naming characters in historicals because I can Google search names from that time period and then jot down five to ten that I like best. It's pretty simple.

But then when I started writing a romance in the sci fi genre, I didn't know where to start. I can't just go around calling an Alpha warrior alien man from another planet Joe, can I? I mean I guess I could but it really doesn't have a nice ring to it.

"He is the greatest warrior in all of five galaxies. The scourge of our many evil hostile enemies.
He is known as ... Joe.
Oh, and that lady there? She's his personal trainer, Doris."

Instead of a Google search I delved into a Wikipedia binge. I do this from time to time for fun anyway. You know when you look something up and then end up clicking on other helpful links on the Wikipedia pages and suddenly you are twenty pages deep and have no idea why you are reading the origin of oatmeal, or why it seems like the most fascinating thing you've read in days. (No? Just me then, I guess)

To be fair, Casey, you are not the only person fascinated by oatmeal.
You are in very good company.

I think I started with constellations. I pored over lists of constellation names and then galaxy names. Scientists, astronomers, planets, and stars. In the end I only remember the origin of a few things. But I named my heroine Lyra, which has something to do with a harp, briefly at one point in time she was going to be musical. That fell by the wayside, no time with all of the secrets and revolutionary plots (maybe in the sequel). My hero became Astor also something constellation related, don't quiz me on which one, it could even be the latin form of something.

Astor's arrogant cousin became Pavo, which in some derivative somewhere means peacock and what could be a better name for a hot arrogant alpha male strutting his stuff?

Hot. Male. Arrogant.
Yup, I think we can all understand Casey McKay's perverted mind just a little bit better now.

Lyra's sister Vela may have just been made up. I can't remember the exact reasoning for this except for the fact that if a couple gave birth to a daughter named Lyra, they would probably follow it up with another one and name her Vela. You wouldn't have a Lyra and an Ethel, that's just weird.

Did you really need to know the inner workings of my mind? Probably not! But hopefully some of you stuck around for the excerpt I brought with me!

Lyra kissed down Astor's neck and trailed down to the open V of his tunic. He stopped her downward progress with a hand under her chin. It was a silent battle, she pulled away, trying to continue her seduction and he pulled her up. Winning by sheer strength, Astor sat up and pulled her onto his lap. "Are you distracting me with sex, wife?"

She felt her face heat, but she shook her head. "I was only repaying the favor. You are more than deserving, you surprised me with the picnic and so far I'm the only one to have had fun," she bluffed.

He remained still, holding her in place on his lap as he studied her face. "I am having fun too," he said, finally, with an easy grin. "But know this, if you try to distract me with your womanly wiles I am of a mind to have you cut a switch." He nodded toward the thicket of trees they picnicked in front of.

A chill raced down her spine. She did not doubt his threat for a minute and although she had never felt a switch on her backside she was certain it would not be pleasant. She hid her face in his chest and tucked her head under his chin. It surprised her to find she felt warm and safe in this man's arms. If only he could help her conquer anything as he had promised her in his vows. She was not that naive.

"Please, Astor, do not spoil the fun by getting cross. I only wanted to show my appreciation," she stared down into her lap, afraid to meet his all knowing eyes.

"Oh, little dove. You bewitch me," he murmured. She was not even sure she was supposed to hear it. Releasing her from his clutches he placed her aside and reclined on the blanket, placing his hands behind his head. "I'm all yours. Assault me however you wish."

"However I wish?" she asked as she sat up on her knees beside him.

He frowned at her, "What goes on in that mind of yours?"

She wiggled her eyebrows at him and tried her best to look wicked. She knew she failed miserably when he let out a chuckle.

"Do not tease me, woman," he barked, his hands shooting out and pulling her forward.

She squealed as he pulled her off balance and she spilled across his chest. "Stop it, you big brute," she reprimanded through her laughter.

"You have not seen me be brutish yet."

I have just bought His Rebellious Queen and am hugely looking forward to reading it. Based on every other book I've ever read by Casey McKay, I assume it will be wonderful, Maybe I'll even end up making life-size balloon models of my favourite characters.

Oh my dear fucking god, this is actually a thing.
Someone made life size balloon sculptures of the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge and their children.
Well, that's my nightmares sorted for the next fortnight, thanks.

Domestic Service

This is my 'D' post for the Spanking A-Z Blog Challenge. "What's that?" you ask. Check out my page here for more information and a list of all the wonderful bloggers taking part.

Violet Plover, the heroine of my first book His Lordship's Apprentice, is a scullery maid at the home of our hero, Lord Hardcastle. She is far older than most scullery maids actually would have been at the end of the nineteenth century. Most girls in service started as children and scullery maid was very much the bottom-most rung in the hierarchy of servants. I had to tweak the story a bit to ensure that she could hold this lowly position while still being old enough to take part in the sort of things required in a spanky erotic romance.

Just your everyday story of  a scullery maid who lucks out to an extraordinary degree.

In 1891, one in three women between the ages of fifteen and twenty were employed in domestic service. Violet had a far better time of it than her real-life counterparts, progressing quickly from scullery maid to parlour maid to onstage magician's assistant to Lord Hardcastle's alter ego "The Marvellous Marvelo". Do things between Violet and her sexy, titled boss progress further still? (Spoiler: Yes. Of course they do.)

The following scene takes place near the beginning the story. Following an unfortunate incident in the dining room involving an escaped dove and a lot of bad language, Violet has been summoned to Lord Hardcastle's study. Nobility such as Lord Hardcastle wouldn't normally be involved in the hiring and firing of lowly domestic staff. Violet has no idea what to expect from this encounter. But, hey, this is a spanky romance. You can probably guess how it's going to pan out.

Lord Hardcastle turned to Violet. “Very well,” he said. “To business. I understand that you have been in my service for two months.” 

“Yes, my Lord” Violet replied. Her nervousness rendered her throat so dry that she could barely speak at all. Was that a sufficient response she wondered? Should one provide more information when addressing a lord or speak as little as possible? She honestly had no idea. Much as she had been warned that Lord Hardcastle was highly irregular compared to other men of his station, she hadn’t imagined that a scullery maid such as herself would have to interact with his Lordship face to face. Certainly not this soon.

Ah well, Violet reasoned, it hardly mattered. She fully expected to be fired without a reference and doubted she would need to interact with the nobility again.

“Well, Violet,” continued Lord Hardcastle, oblivious to Violet’s internal panic. “Firstly, I want to thank you for the swift way you dealt with my escaped dove. I should not have left her on the table like that and it was understandable that you disturbed her. You dealt with the recapture very professionally. I was impressed. She is a trained bird and very valuable. I should have hated to see her injured or upset. Thank you.” 

Violet stared at Lord Hardcastle in shock. This was not what she had anticipated. 

“However,” Lord Hardcastle continued. “There are standards of behaviour – and of course language – we uphold to in this house. I reserve the right to entertain visitors in my own home without them being subjected to the kind of words that would shock a sailor.” 

Violet’s heart sank once more. “I am very sorry, my Lord” she mumbled. 

“I am sure you are,” responded Lord Hardcastle. “I am also sure you are a valuable member of staff here. I have no desire to terminate your employment over this incident. However, you will be punished.” 

“Yes, my Lord.” 

“I’ll offer you the choice, Violet. Either you can forfeit a day’s wages or submit to a spanking.” 

Violet’s head was a confusion of different emotions. While she was elated that she still had a job, she was truly terrified at the prospect of being physically punished by Lord Hardcastle. She knew she didn’t have a choice. She could not afford to lose a day’s wages; her family were relying on her. 

“I will take the spanking, my Lord.”

Domestic servants are usually the bit-players in books. Historical romances normally focus on the lives, loves and, hopefully spankings, of the nobility.

However, there are some great examples of books where the domestic staff get the chance to enjoy sex and/or romance with their employers out there. Below are three of my favourites.

Geneva DeCroix's The Lady's Maid (which annoyingly, now seems to be only available to purchase separately as single chapters rather than the complete book that I bought) follows the story of Jesslina who accepts the post as a Lady's Maid to the wife of Lord Piers. Lord Piers household is a veritable orgy of sex and sexy violence. Everyone fucks and spanks everyone, it seems. The story starts with Jesslina receiving a harsh spanking from Lord Piers, but soon she's watching the male servants being beaten and buggered by the butler and happily administering punishments to the mistress herself. Honestly, they're all at it.

Utter filth. In a good way.

Maren Smith's Angel of Hawkhaven is an altogether more romantic affair. Ella Rayette is down on her luck following the death of her debt-ridden father and forced to work in a tavern where she is rescued from a savage beating from her boss by a mysterious 'angel'. She promptly steals his watch because, hey, a girl's got to get by somehow. Awkwardly, when she procures a new position as lady's maid to a difficult and demanding woman with a severe disability, she discovers that her new boss - the lady's brother  - is none other than her 'angel', Matthew Hawkhaven. It's a wonderful and unexpectedly moving story in which Ella struggles to prove herself in her new position while battling the conflicting feelings she feels towards the Master of the house.

Beautifully written historical romance

And for absolute, adorable romance, look no further than Renee Rose's Pleasing the Colonel. Our heroine Amanda Downy has been employed as a governess to the children of widowed Colonel Watson. As a governess, Amanda is not really one of the servant classes. Nor, of course, is she one of the family. Governesses occupied a sort of limbo between Upstairs and Downstairs. Although the sweet and believably written romance between Amanda and her employer means that she is certainly headed Upstairs. (And that sounded a lot more innuendo-y that I intended it.) This was one of the first books I read by Renee Rose and it is still one of my absolute favourites

"He opened a drawer in his desk and pulled out a leather strap." Mm.

If  you can recommend any books where domestic servants get to enjoy some sexy, spanky or romantic action, then please let me know in the comments. I do love a historical romance. Real life servants may have had a terrible time of it but, happily, their fictional erotic counterparts get to have a lot more fun.

Anger (and other deadly sins...)

This is my 'A' post for the Spanking A-Z Blog Challenge. What's that I hear you ask? Check out my page here for more information.

When it comes to sinning, I reckon I'm halfway there. Of the seven deadly sins (made famous by Dante's Divine Comedy and that movie with - spoiler! - Brad Pitt's wife's head in a box), there are three that I regularly indulge in, three that I don't and one that I'm not really sure about. Pride? Do I do that? Is that even a sin, do we think? ("Hey, you got your degree, you should be really proud of yourself." "Thanks, I am." "SINNER!")

There's quite a bit of weird shit in Dante's books, to be fair

Gluttony, lust and sloth are all key motivators in my life. The importance of each of these things switches around depending on the time of day (and time of month, come to think of it) but generally if you need someone who is an expert in eating too much, having sex (sometimes even with other people) and twatting about on the internet for hours on end to no productive purpose, well then I am your woman. (Slothfulness is so much easier these days than in Dante's time. They probably didn't even have Cracked.com in the fourteenth century.)

On the other hand, envy, avarice and anger aren't really my thing at all. Maybe all the snacking and web browsing and wanking distracts me from furiously coveting my neighbour's possessions and trying to achieve my dream of diving into massive piles of wealth like Scrooge McDuck. Sloth and avarice aren't really compatible bedfellows, anyway.

I do occasionally get angry. Not necessarily about the right things, mind. I feel like I am always banging on about my depression here, but as I am sure many of you know, 'sadness' isn't the only emotion associated with depression. Most of the time, depression robs you of feeling any emotion at all. Sometimes, however, it can make you feel angry for no good reason. I was flicking through one of those free magazines you get at the supermarket a few weeks ago and every single thing in it made me ridiculously bloody furious. All these products are stupid! All this food looks horrible! None of it should exist! Cadbury's Dairy Milk Puddles? Fuck the fuck off.

Becoming incandescent with rage about the existence of a confectionery product is not something that guides to 'Living with Depression' necessarily warn you about.

Usually, though my anger levels never really rise feeling a bit miffed. Any disgruntlement usually passes pretty quickly.

Anger is a common theme in spanky romance books, of course. Romantic heroes and heroines usually have a lot of issues and misunderstandings and conflict to work through before they can reach their happily ever afters so it's no wonder that tempers can get a bit frayed along the way.

It's an interesting subject to tackle because as any responsible adherent to a BDSM or Domestic Discipline lifestyle knows, anger and spanking really shouldn't mix. It's perfectly fine to punish but if you go around hitting people in anger then that's when things can get awkward. It's the sort of thing that is embroidered onto a sampler and hung on the walls of BDSM clubs.

Or would be. If I were in charge of a BDSM club.

This issue is handled very well in Renee Rose's The Bossman. In the below snippet the hero Joey is angry at his girlfriend Sophie. She has made some bad decisions and when you're involved in the mafia, bad decisions have the potential to be very bad indeed.

“You could’ve been killed, Sophie! Or you could’ve got me killed for breaking the code and telling you. Jesus Christ, Soph!” 

“Jesus, yourself, Joey!” she yelled back. “Why don’t you just spank me and get it over with?” 

“I’m going to,” he thundered. “But I’m too angry to touch you right now!” 

She drew in a sharp breath, realizing how meticulous he’d been to not lay a finger on her. Instead, he’d shaken the chair she sat in, banged on the end table beside her, waved his hands in the air. 

Hearing he was mad reduced her to a small child. She drew her knees up to her chest, perching her bare feet on the seat cushion and hiding her face, her tears turning into a full sob. She must’ve looked pitiful, because when Joey knelt beside her and peeled her hands back from her face, his expression was kind. “I’m sorry. Don’t be scared, little girl.”

I cover a similar theme in my first book, His Lordship's Apprentice. Lord Hardcastle is justifiably very pissed off indeed when following a misunderstanding his stage apprentice, Violet, throws a prop at his face with enough force to leave him with a bruise and a cut below his eye.

Violet’s rage may have subsided but Lord Hardcastle’s was only just beginning. His face was set as hard as granite. He grabbed a leather strap which had been used to secure one of the props trunks and took several swift strides towards Violet grabbing her forcefully by the arm. He pulled her towards the desk and pushed her over the desktop so that her face was pressed against the wood and her bottom was raised in the air. His hand pressed down heavily on the small of her back so that she could not move from her position. 

Violet heard the noise of the strap swishing through the air and held her breath waiting for the thick leather to make contact with her body.

But the contact never came. Instead the strap forcefully struck the side of the desk to Violet’s left. The startlingly loud crack it made caused Violet to jump with surprise. 

Lord Hardcastle threw the strap away from him and let go of Violet. He returned to the sofa. 

“I’m too angry to do this” he said softly. “Just go.”

 Luckily in both cases, the ladies get the spankings they deserve once their spanker has had the chance to calm down a bit.

Although anger isn't a good mix with spanking scenarios, there are of course other sins available. And some of them fit very well indeed. Well maybe not gluttony - that sort of thing can lead to indigestion. And slothfulness isn't a terribly good fit either. There needs to be a certain amount of effort expended in a good spanking.

Lust, on the other hand? There's a sin which fits with spanking very nicely indeed.

Fifty Shades of Grey managed to combine spanking with a whole bunch of sins that Dante had never even thought of.
Appallingly bad film-making for one.

Book Review - Mob Mistress by Renee Rose

Want to know more about the book review star rating system? Or find out what other books I've reviewed? Check out this page here.

Only just this minute realised that the 'r' in Mistress is actually a gun.

Five Stars!

Despite my professed preference for All Things Historical, I can get as giddily as excited by a modern day romance as the next spanko. I absolutely loved and adored Renee Rose's The Bossman which is a modern-day romance about falling in love with a mobster.

In fact I loved it so much, that when I was briefly considering a career in book plagiarism, The Bossman was the book I started with because as I said at the time, "it's brilliant and sexy and far better than anything I could write. And if I am going to embark on a new life of criminality I want to be doing it for the right reasons - bitterness and jealousy."

When I reviewed The Bossman for Spanking Romance Reviews, I finished off by saying that I didn't want Renee to write a sequel. "Not because I don’t want to spend any more time with Sophie and Joey – far from it. I just don’t want them to have any more drama in their lives. They've had enough excitement. I am happy to leave them to the quiet uneventful life that they both crave."

Luckily Renee has found a way to write a sequel while still keeping me happy (and I assume that my continued happiness is the primary motivating factor behind Renee's writing career) by returning to the sexy Mafia world while leaving Sophie and Joey very firmly in the background enjoying marital bliss and the pleasures of parenthood.

Mob Mistress focuses on Joey's cousin, Bobby Manghini, an accountant working at the slightly more legitimate end of "The Family"'s business dealings. He's in the market for a new mistress and when his path crosses with Lexi, a down-on-her-luck hairdresser on the receiving end of  string of financial misfortunes - he wants to persuade her that he would be excellent Sugar Daddy material.

Despite the fact that Lexi only agrees to his proposal because she is up to her eyeballs in medical bills, debts and overdue rent, there is a fairly lovely and believable rapport between the two of them from their very first meeting. It is on the face of it, an utterly cold-blooded and mercenary arrangement. "Here’s the deal." says Bobby, early on. "You make yourself available to me. If you’re not working at the hair salon, your time is mine. You don't have to sit around and wait for me—I’ll text you in advance, but you don’t tell me you're busy, got it? If you have plans, you change them."

It's hard to believe that such an arrangement - with a member of the bloody Mafia, no less - could result in such a sweet and romantic storyline. But you know Renee Rose. "Sweet and Romantic" is her middle name.

In fact, I am going to assume that is literally true from now on

Lexi believes that Bobby is married mainly because he doesn't give her any reason to think otherwise. He's actually divorced but likes to keep all the sections of his life neatly compartmentalised. Which is why he likes to keep his mistresses tucked away tidily and out of sight until he wants to play.

And he really does love to play. The sex is fantastically written. There is one standing-up-against-the-wall sex scene early on in the story that got me terribly excited. Renee has a knack of describing such scenes in a way that makes it oh-so-easy to visualise.

And then there are the spankings. Of course there are. Bobby Manghini is very fond of spanking. Mostly the spankings are the fun, sexy type but there is also a wonderfully disciplinary spanking with a belt which Bobby administers after Lexi crosses a line in Bobby's neatly compartmentalised life. That's a very distracting scene, that one. In fact it caused me to miss my tube stop when I read it. You try giving that as an excuse for why you're late to work. (There are all kinds of disadvantages to reading Renee's books on trains, mind you. Lack of privacy for one thing.)

Not the most conducive of environments for engaging in a spot of self-love.

I probably enjoyed Mob Mistress even more than The Bossman. It's a close run thing, though. I'd rather not choose between those two mafia boys. They're both utterly delightful. How on earth does Renee Rose manage to write such engagingly lovely characters when they are both involved in the seedy world of underground crime? I should dislike both these people intensely. Instead I'd rather like to hang out with them. Particularly if said 'hanging out' involved a trip over one or other their laps.

I have no idea how Renee does it. It's probably witchcraft. I'm incredibly glad that she does, though. I hope there are more spanky mobsters to come! They're just so terribly good at the disciplinary stuff, apparently.

Audiosexual: Renee Rose's Westerfield Trilogy on audiobook

Renee Rose's wonderful Westerfield trilogy are now available on audiobook! Well they have been for a while now. In fact quite a sizeable chunk of her back catalogue are now available for your audible enjoyment. But it's the Westerfields I'm going to talk about because they're the ones I've listened to. Plus you all know how much I love them.

Available right here!

I was a little bit unsure about listening to my favourite spanking fiction being read by somebody else. It feels unnatural, somehow. Books are my absolute number one medium of choice for delivering erotica. Anything film-based, for example, and I tend to get a bit embarrassed by it all. There are other people involved then, you see. It's not just me and my brain anymore and that makes it all seem a little bit awkward and silly.

I appreciate that reading erotica is only made possible by someone else being involved. Someone else has to write the thing. (Of course, I occasionally write erotica myself but I only masturbate to it when it's still in the conceptual stage. Wanking over one's finished novella would be unforgivably vain.)

The thing is, reading is a funny old process and reading in one's head, in my experience, is nothing like reading out loud. I don't read at anything like the slow, tortoise-y speed I would do if I were reading something to someone else. Most of the time I am not conscious of reading the words at all. It's more like the words and phrases and atmosphere and stuff are being dropped directly into my brain in much the same way that Arnold Schwarzenegger had those memories implanted in Total Recall.

Or did he?

And if my reading matter is just turning up in my head, well then it's fine when it's stuffed to the gills with kinky sex and spanking because - let's face it - my head's chock-a-block with that sort of stuff anyway. But having someone else read it to me, well that's when it gets embarrassing.

I listened to all three of the Westerfield books, (The Westerfield Affair, The Reddington Scandal and The Darlington Incident) in order. They all share the same narrator - Elliot Daniels, a deep voiced Thespian type prone to dramatic over-enunciation.

And, yeah, it was kind of embarrassing listening to some of it. I found myself blushing when talk turned to "wet swollen folds" and "moist pleats". Because despite being unutterably filthy, I am also - it turns out - a bit of a prude.

You might not want to listen to these books during your daily commute. You know when there's someone on the train who's music is blaring out to the whole carriage? I often wonder if they realise or if maybe they have stuck the headphones in wrong and are completely oblivious that they're making everyone else in the vicinity listen to Union J. (I don't check with them of course because I would literally rather die than talk to a stranger on public transport). I would worry that the accidental blaring out noise person would be me. Only instead of sharing my taste in music, I would accidentally be sharing my taste in spanking-based erotica to a carriage full of strangers. (Although, I suppose if the right person overheard it, that could turn out quite swimmingly. That's a meet-cute waiting to be written right there.)

"Excuse me, I couldn't help noticing that you seem to be really really enjoying that book."

Elliot Daniels does a decent job as the narrator although he does rather ham it up. The odd thing is, that I found Daniels' narration style became less pronounced and overdone as I progressed through the trilogy. Odd because I am pretty sure that the audiobooks were recorded in the opposite order from which the original books were published, with the third in the series - The Darlington Incident - being recorded and released first as an audiobook.

So, Daniels clearly wasn't told to tone down his performance. Rather he was encouraged to roll those 'r's and exaggerate the drama as much as possible. "Go on, stick a few more vowel sounds into 'daaaahnced'" he was probably told. "Really go for it."

Daniels also seems to have decided to base Lord Westerfield's voice on Sam the Eagle from the Muppet Show. It's a brave decision but not one I feel that he totally manages to pull off.

"Take me to your room. You have a very long, hard spanking coming."

The very best thing about listening to the audiobooks was that it gave me the opportunity to revisit the Westerfield stories again. They really are bloody brilliant, you know. By far and away the best spanking romance out there (and there's some impressively stiff competition.) Even the Reddington Scandal which I always think of as the weakest of the three, was an absolute joy to listen to again.

I'm not sure if I'll listen to any other Renee Rose books as audiobooks. I am probably not the best audiobook customer to be honest. I hate wearing headphones and I get distracted when the narrator tries to do different voices for each of characters. Plus, apparently, the embarrassment factor of having a man I don't know saying "warm cock". Although, to be honest, I got over that one by about halfway through the first book.

I wonder who the main erotica audiobook customers are? I bet it's Grannies. Grannies love an audiobook, surely. Especially one of Renee's. Sexy spankings, Regency intrigue and a narrator who sounds like he's doing a Charles Dance impression ramped up to 300%. What more could one possibly want?

Oh god yes, that's it.

Saturday Spankings - “It is I who should be thanking you”

Time for a Spanking!

The lovely and amazing Renee Rose wrote the most wonderful review of Lord Westbrook's Muse for Spanking Romance Reviews last week. If you haven't already read it, I urge you to go and read it after reading this weeks spanky snippet. Or before. Or instead of. Just make sure you do.

It really is a terrific review. Renee finishes it off by saying

"Etta Stark in an author to be watched – her intelligent portrayal of characters and plot are beyond compare in the spanking genre." 

This is possibly the nicest thing anyone's said about me ever. And this is Renee Rose saying it, people. She's a lady who certainly knows her way round a well-written spanking romance.

There's an excerpt from the book in Renee's review and because I really, really want you to go and read it, (have I mentioned that?) this week's spanky snippet is the bit that happens directly afterwards.

The noises she was making in her pleasure were quite loud but she was powerless to stop them even if she had wanted to. Lord Westbrook’s finger still pressed against her kernel causing her orgasm to go on for what seemed like forever. This was a hundred times better than anything she had managed to achieve on her own she thought when she was finally able to think of anything at all.

She smiled at Lord Westbrook who was watching her intently. “Thank you,” she said quietly. 

“It is I who should be thanking you,” Lord Westbrook replied kissing her softly on the lips.  Cass found herself surprised by his tenderness. She had worried briefly that he would be appalled by her wanton behaviour and throw her out the moment he had had his way with her but that didn’t seem to be the way of it at all. Their lovemaking seemed to have thawed his cool demeanour.

Available at all your favourite places

 Check out the rest of the Saturday Spankers below.