Thursday, 1 March 2018

Book Review - In Need of Correction by Gracie Malling

Want to know more about the book review star rating system? Or find out what other books I've reviewed? Check out this page here.
"Never had he met a woman so strongly in need of a good spanking."


Five Stars!

Ages ago I wrote a review of Casey McKay's wonderful book Emmaline's Groom for Spanking Romance Reviews. In it, I said "I feel like I have I have just acquired my very own bespoke romance writer catering specially to my own personal requirements".

Well, blow me down if I haven't just found another writer who seems to have approached writing spanky romance by saying "Now what are the things that Etta Stark loves in a book? I'll make sure I put ALL those things in".

I'm not really suggesting that Ms Malling actually did that, of course. I don't know the lady. Not even virtually. But, as far as I'm concerned, In Need Of Correction is just about perfect.

It's a superbly-written Austen-esque drawing room romance in which the principal characters, Mr Andrew Hunter and Miss Leticia Waterford are both absolutely charming. Lettie is a strong-willed young lady who is stifled by parochial Surrey society and vaguely indifferent parents. Her sister, Eleanor's marriage has left her without her one steady, supportive influence. The book begins with a visit from Eleanor and we are introduced to Lettie who is hiding behind a brittle facade and spending her time Mean-Girls-ing with Annabel Linfield, an entertainingly bitchy young woman who turns out to be even more horrible than she first appears.

Happily for our heroine, Ellie is accompanied not just by her husband but also her new brother-in-law, Andrew.

Good news for us readers too because Andrew Hunter is just downright bloody delicious. The epitome of the reserved Regency gentleman who you immediately know is a jolly good egg at heart. Reminiscent of Mr Darcy or Mr Knightley but with a far twitchier hand.

"Badly done, Lettie."
And like those other literary gentleman, Mr Hunter takes an infuriatingly long time about making his intentions known to the heroine. Look dude, we all know you and Lettie are madly in love and going to live happily ever after. We worked out on page 1, just crack on with it and propose to the woman.

Admittedly there wouldn't have been much of a book if he'd done that. And what he lacks in passionate declarations, he more than makes up for with a kind heart, dry wit and a whole bunch of disciplinary spankings. Having ascertained pretty sharpish that Lettie is a good soul sorely lacking in discipline, Andrew takes it upon on himself to provide the necessary correction. Usually bare-bottomed over his knee but there's a satisfying variety to the benevolent beatings.

Because that's what I really want from a book. Gracie Malling's gifts for satisfying story-lines, well-fleshed out characters and excellent prose are all very well but we all know that the quality of the spankings is everything. And here Malling (and of course Mr Hunter) really delivers. Andrew Hunter is certainly not a man to deliver a few paltry swats to a woman's arse and have done with it. When he administers a spanking, you can depend upon him making a thorough job of it. And provide a damn good cuddling afterwards, of course.

There's a very satisfying scene in the stables with a riding crop
Things are not straightforward for our heroes as malevolent influences conspire to make things turn out very badly indeed for Lettie. I won't spoil it with the details but Malling does deliver a cracking plot and suffice it to say, Mr Hunter can be relied upon to manfully ride in and save the day. (Although, Andrew, it was kind of your fault in the first place. If you'd proposed the first time you'd upended Lettie across your lap then none of this would have happened. See what happens when you don't rush into things?)

My one criticism (and it isn't even a criticism, really, just a tiny niggle) is is that I wished we could have had a scene where Lettie explains her odd behaviour to Mr Hunter's cousin, Jane, to him. It would have been nice to set the record straight on that score.

Actually it would have been nice to have seen more of Jane altogether. Maybe there could be a sequel with her story? She's had a terrible time of it. I reckon a nice, kind gentleman with a very firm hand could be just what she needs. It certainly worked out extraordinarily well for Lettie.



Wednesday, 28 February 2018

Fifty Shades of Meh



The third and final instalment of the Fifty Shades trilogy, Fifty Shades Freed, was released in cinemas a couple of weeks ago.

I reviewed the first two films for otherwise respectable film website Mostly Film. Because apparently I can't stop having opinions about the whole franchise.

Mostly those opinions aren't all that complimentary to be honest but there you go. I'm sure E L James isn't too bothered about my less than enthusiastic opinions. And if she is bothered, she can always console herself by rolling around naked on large piles of money. That's what I would do in her situation.

My review of Fifty Shades Freed review is up today. As Mostly Film tweeted "Etta returned to give Fifty Shades a stern talking-to. It loved it."




Check it out and let me know what you thought of the (possibly) final cinematic outing of Chris 'n' Ana.

Tuesday, 27 February 2018

Return both of and to Corbin's Bend

There is big exciting news for fans of the multi-author fictional spanking community-based series, Corbin's Bend. It's coming back! Oh yes, indeedy.

It was on the internet and everything.
And to get us all in the mood for more Colorado-based DD deliciousness, Blushing Books have re-released all the original Corbin's Bend novels as box sets. Available for your reading pleasure are:

and

I'm going to focus on the second book, Return to Corbin's Bend, because that's the one that has my book, East End Girl, in it. And, you know me. I'm all about shameless self-promotion.

Wouldn't this book look perfect on your virtual coffee table?
East End Girl is the story of Kirsty Logan who ups sticks from London and moves 3000 miles to Colorado in pursuit of the perfect spanky lifestyle in Corbin's Bend. It doesn't work out quite as she expects and she struggles to fit in. Her self-destructive behaviour threatens her whole future in the community. But the lovely spankos of Corbin's Bend - and one especially lovely spanko in particular - help her to find herself. Not entirely through the medium of spanking, I hasten to add. But there are a lot of spankings in it. I know you expect nothing less.

The especially lovely spanko's name is Logan.
There are seven other amazing books in this collection by amazing authors like Constance Masters, Tara Finnegan and Maren Smith. I have reviewed the books in this collection here. And here. Also here. I talk about this series a lot, to be honest.

So while we all twiddle our thumbs in impatient expectation for the next Corbin's Bend arrivals, reacquaint yourselves with the heroes and heroines, spankers and spankees, Heads of Household and Takens in Hand of Corbin's Bend.

And if you haven't read any Corbin's Bend yet. My goodness, you have a lot of catching up to do.


I'm back!

It's been a while but I'm back, ready to dust the cobwebs off this site and get it back in shipshape spanking order.

Or hide the dust at any rate

Stay tuned for exciting spanky spankness. You know you want it.

Tuesday, 3 May 2016

The Duke of Burgundy

I feel like I should put a *MASSIVE SPOILER ALERT* at the top of this post. The Duke of Burgundy is not the sort of film you can spoil exactly. It's not a whodunit. It's not like I'm going to give away the fact that the main protagonist was a secret alien cyborg from the future all along. But I went into this film without knowing anything about it at all and that's an approach I'd highly recommend. So, if you haven't seen it, I reckon you should go away, watch the movie and then come back and read the review below. Because, apart from anything else, I do talk about the ending.



Peter Strickland's 2014 lesbian BDSM romantic drama The Duke of Burgundy is not the film I expected it to be. It certainly isn't the film that this trailer thinks it is.

All those bits in the trailer hinting at sexy sex times and BDSM punishment? They're pretty much the most explicit scenes in the film. The Duke of Burgundy isn't a no-holds-barred explicit lesbian fetish-a-thon. At least not in that way.

Why do the makers of trailers do that? Deliberately create a trailer that promises a completely different film from the one that it actually delivers? Surely you just end up with with a bunch of disgruntled cinema-goers.

"What the hell was this?" your hypothetical cinema-goer might say, "I expected lots of naked girl-on-girl action and explicit BDSM pervery! Instead I got some kind of arty-farty slightly surreal portrayal of a struggling relationship. I barely even managed a wank. Two stars!"

There's a lot less of this sort of thing than you might imagine.
With that out of the way, I want to make it clear that The Duke of Burgundy is a very, very good film. Evelyn (Chiara D'Anna) and Cynthia (Sidse Babett Knudsen) inhabit a slightly dreamlike world set in no particular time period or geographical location. Our first introduction to the two central characters is when Evelyn arrives at Cynthia's front door to be told, very sternly, that she's late. "I'm sorry," says Evelyn. "You will be," Cynthia replies. Cynthia then rebukes Evelyn for sitting on the sofa without permission before instructing her to clean the study. We see Evelyn scrubbing floors while Cynthia lounges around drinking wine and reading with a haughty demeanour which makes her look every inch the unforgiving Mistress. Evelyn, meanwhile, looks cowed and slightly terrified. She begs permission to be allowed to leave once all her housekeeping duties have been performed. That permission is denied.

It quickly becomes apparent that nothing that we have seen can be taken at face value. Evelyn and Cynthia live together. Far from being abused, Evelyn is having a delightful time. And she is the one who is calling all the shots. The Maid-and-Mistress scenes we have just seen are meticulously orchestrated fantasies of Evelyn's which are played out again and again throughout the film by the two lovers.




As we see the same scenes being re-enacted throughout the progression of the film, the nuances of the participants' performances begin to shift. Evelyn may be having the time of her life - scrubbing floors, washing her Mistress's knickers, enduring some kind of off-screen water-based punishment - but it becomes apparent that Cynthia is struggling with her role as a Domme.

At first, I assumed that Cynthia had originally been up for the D/s lifestyle that she had adopted with Evelyn. (We are, tellingly, never shown the beginning of Evelyn and Cynthia's relationship. We never get to hear the conversations that led to Evelyn's extreme submission fantasies being fulfilled.) Then I thought that she had once been into it but had become bored with the arrangement. As the story progressed, however, I understood that being the 'D' in a D/s relationship had never been Cynthia's thing. It was just something that she was prepared to do in order to keep her lover happy.

As Evelyn pushes to take her submissive role further - Human Toilet! Being manacled and locked in a wooden chest all night! That sort of thing! - Cynthia finds it increasingly difficult to be the Dominant that Evelyn wants her to be.


As far as understanding the nature of a D/s relationship, this film provides a very one sided view. Evelyn and Cynthia's relationship is not a healthy one and the D/s aspects are clearly dysfunctional. We're mostly watching two frequently miserable people in love with one other struggling to find a way in which their relationship might survive.

It's frustrating to watch as a kinkster because only Evelyn's actions are motivated by her kinks. Cynthia's reasons for participating in the whole BDSM set-up are a lot more vanilla. This film doesn't attempt to shed any light on what makes a Dom tick.

Which is annoying for me because that’s the half of the dynamic that I would like to understand better. I don’t really understand what a Dominant gets out of the arrangement. I get where Evelyn is coming from. I can relate to it. Not to the extent she does or the extremes she wishes to take it, admittedly, and her kinks are definitely not my kinks. Mine involve a lot less housework, for one thing. But the bossy sub thing? Yeah, I get it. I’ve mentioned before that all the subs I know tend to be fairly opinionated strong-willed types. We have to be. We are people who have negotiated how to get exactly what we want. You don’t manage that if you’re a bit of a pushover.



Evelyn controls the role-playing between her and Cynthia by means of handwritten cards, giving detailed instructions of exactly how she wants her Domme to behave. Again, Evelyn’s cards are rather more thorough than anything I would come up with. The scenes are scripted to the exact word. Cynthia even has masking-taped ‘marks’ on the floor so that she stands in exactly the right position when reprimanding Evelyn. I have no intention of taking it to that level but I have been known to provide some fairly detailed instructive texts describing exactly what I want during the times I’m ostensibly the one following orders.

There are certainly moments of humour in the film. (In a wry smile kind of way rather than full on hearty chuckling.) There’s a scene where Evelyn and Cynthia have an appointment with a kinky bed manufacturing lady (Fatma Mohamed). Having discussed the options of building a bed in which Evelyn can be restrained while her lover sleeps on top of her, Evelyn is then brought near to tears with frustration when she realises that there’s no way that such a bed can be manufactured in time for her birthday. Wracking her brains for a way to keep her customers happy, the carpenter says “Would a human toilet be a suitable compromise?” Evelyn’s face lights up and her look of excitement and joy is wonderful to behold.

(Although, what was up with Kinky Bed Lady telling her clients that she had recently supplied a similar item of furniture to someone else in the neighbourhood and supplying enough details that Evelyn and Cynthia could easily work out who she was? What way is that to run a kinky bed business? Have you no respect for client confidentiality? Surely the Number One rule in the Bespoke Furniture For Perverts business is absolute discretion.)


The admissions of infidelity that occur when Cynthia finds out that Evelyn has been cleaning another woman’s boots are also a moment of bittersweet comedy. They just sound so absurd. “There was just some scolding. She said a few harsh words. That was all, I swear!”

You don’t get the impression that Strickland is any way mocking the BDSM lifestyle, though. Evelyn’s unusual needs and desires are absolutely central to the film. There is no doubt that her desire to be commanded, subjugated, constrained and punished are absolutely key to who she is.

Which makes Cynthia’s increasingly faltering ability to meet those needs all the more heartbreaking. In one key scene, Evelyn demands that Cynthia talk dirty to her while she masturbates. Cynthia attempts to start the conversation by telling Evelyn how much she loves her but that isn’t what Evelyn wants. So Cynthia gives Evelyn what she wants. She tells her that she’s her maid, that she belongs entirely to her, that she must do exactly what she’s told or else she’ll be punished. Evelyn keeps pushing. “More, more!” she says. And Cynthia falters. A look of panic crosses her face as she says “I don’t know what else to say.” “Just go back to the beginning” Evelyn tells her. So Cynthia tries her hardest, tells Evelyn what she needs to hear in order to reach her climax. Then post-orgasm, Evelyn tells Cynthia “Next time, try to do it with a little more conviction in your voice.” For fuck’s sake, there’s really no pleasing some subs.


The film’s ending is slightly ambiguous. Acknowledging her partner’s distress in having to enact the role of her Domme, Evelyn reassures Cynthia that they don’t have to do it, anymore. That she would be content with a vanilla relationship with her. Because she loves her and anything else is just an extra. However, the very last scene of the film is the exact same Mistress/maid scenario with which the film opened. I did wonder if this was a flashback to earlier, happier times. But, you know, I don’t think this film actually had any flashbacks. It felt like there were because of the way the pair re-enacted the same scenes over and over again. But I think the film was actually entirely chronological. I would need to watch it again to check.

My interpretation (and other cleverer and filmier people than me have agreed with this when I have discussed it with them) is that Evelyn and Cynthia’s attempt at a non D/s relationship failed. Evelyn couldn't live without it. Cynthia couldn't deny Evelyn the thing that made her so happy.

I would absolutely recommend that everyone watches this film. And not just kinky people. It was hugely critically acclaimed. It’s beautiful and sparse and exquisitely shot. The soundtrack sends shivers up your spine. Regardless of whether you’re sub, Dom or entirely oblivious to the fact that people get up to these sorts of shenanigans, you will find yourself drawn into the claustrophobic, slightly unreal world of two people who are in love and who are desperately, sometimes clumsily, trying to make that love work. Just don’t go expecting a full-on wankfest chock full of lesbian sex, bondage and watersports. Honestly, it’s not that kind of film.










Tuesday, 26 April 2016

The Flappiness of Floggers

Flappy
Not surprisingly, when I meet other kinksters, the conversation often turns to the subject of favourite and least favourite spanking implements. It's a tricky one to answer. It's only been a year and a half since spanking became something that actually happened in my life (rather than something that I just thought about obsessively) and the the novelty really hasn't come close to wearing off yet. I am still surprised and delighted that people are prepared to spend time spanking me with anything at all. Not least because as a non-switchy type, I have no idea what they're getting out of it. I would be bored after five minutes. Yet I seem to have found a bunch of people who have not only been happy to spend hours using a whole load of different spanky toys on my arse but also seem to be enjoying themselves. Although I can't believe that they're having as much fun as I am.

This is pretty much how I look post-spanking.
I do like a thuddy toy. I think paddles are my all-time favourite thing. But it's all about the variety, really. You can't beat a bit of stinginess; I'm terribly fond of canes. The stingiest thing I've ever been hit with was a dressage whip. That hurt. But, as with all stingy things, the pain went away quite quickly unlike with thuddy things where the pain just keeps on building.

Ouchy
When it comes to my least favourite implement though, then that's definitely the flogger. They're just so annoyingly flappy. I know lots of people are very keen on them but I find them quite irritating. Largely because a lot of the time they're not being used to cause pain. I like pain. I don't really do 'sensation play'. If I'm on the receiving end of a light flogging, there's a bit of me thinking "Oh, come on. I'm not after a massage here." I don't want to be lightly caressed.

Caress-y

Of course, floggers can hurt as has been demonstrated on me on a number of occasions. But even then, it's not the right kind of pain. It's all sort of unfocused and all over the place. It doesn't connect in the same way that a paddle or a cane or well-aimed hand does.

Now, I am fully accepting of the fact that I am going to be flogged. I haven't had a Spanking Friend who hasn't used a flogger on me. Doms love a flogger. I understand that they are quite satisfying to wield. And I don't mind them. As part of an overall spanking experience, they're fine.

Definitely not my favourite though. If I had a spanking which only consisted of a hand-spanking and a flogging, I think I would feel quite unsatisfied at the end. Whereas I would be entirely content with just "hand spanking and paddling", I reckon. Or "hand spanking and caning".

I admit I'm being a bit unreasonable as 'flogger' covers a wide variety of different kinky spank-toys. Big, small, leather, suede, rubber. Googling for flogger images has revealed that Uberkinky have a metal ball chain flogger that they describe as having "serious bite". Yes, I'm sure it does.

Bitey
Current Gentleman Spanking Friend recently purchased a pink plastic flogger. It's bright and cheerful and looks like the sort of thing you'd be able to buy in the gift shop at Chessington World of Adventures. That flogger wasn't flappy and ineffectual at all. It had quite the sting to it. Rather too much, as it goes, as our first go had to be curtailed due to the damn thing cutting my skin. Because personally while I'm all about the pain, drawing blood is never on the to-do list during a spanking.

He's made some adjustments to the end of the tails which were causing the problem so hopefully it'll be back in play for his next visit. With the literal rough edges taken care of, it's definitely a flogger that I would be happy to spend more time with. I don't think it undermines my "not really liking floggers" point though. I think if you put this particular flogger on a Spanking Implements Venn Diagram (and I really need to start constructing a Spanking Implements Venn Diagram) then it would be in the bit where floggers and whips overlap.

Not flappy
Incidentally, Current Gentleman Spanking Friend has named this particular item 'Felicia'. Because apparently naming one's spanking implements is a Thing That Doms Do. I remain unconvinced. I think he's a strange man. But, hey, whatever makes him happy. I'm not about to judge other people's weirdness.

There are so, so many different kinds of implements out there to be spanked with. From the hastily improvised to the meticulously crafted by artisan perverts. I went to the London Alternative Market fetish fair recently. My goodness, there an awful lot of things you can buy which have been specifically designed to be used on a willing sub. And, frankly, I'm happy to try most of them. It really is a most delightful journey. Bring it on! The thuddy, the slappy, the stingy, the whippy and, yes on occasion, the annoyingly flappy.





Monday, 25 April 2016

Beat Me On the Bottom with the Woman's Weekly

Comedian, actress, songwriter, screenwriter and all-round fucking genius, Victoria Wood died last week. In the year which seems to be determined to be remembered as the one where everyone dies (and it's only April for fuck's sake), Victoria Wood's death hit me particularly hard. I think she was brilliant. And not just because she wrote a song which contained the line "beat me on the bottom with the Woman's Weekly".

1953 - 2016. Fuck cancer.
Wood was a fantastic comic writer and performer. There was never any meanness to her comedy. Her comic creations weren't grotesques. They often felt like people you felt like you knew even if you actually didn't. So many of the tributes I have been reading online, have pointed out what an incredibly generous comic writer she was. She always gave the best lines to her co-performers.

As a teenager in the 80's, I was all too aware that there really weren't that many female comedians around. In fact, the numbers of men and women in comedy in still massively imbalanced. Why is that? Think of the people in your immediate social circle. Are your female friends less likely to make you laugh than your male ones? I really doubt it. There's a whole load of ingrained sexism behind the fact that 95% of the guests on BBC panel shows have a penis.

But institutionalised sexism in television comedy isn't the point of this post. Victoria wasn't just one of the best female comedians, she was one of the best ever, regardless of sex. She was absolutely brilliant.

And of course she wrote and performed the marvellous, marvellous Ballad of Barry and Freda,


I was thirteen when I heard first heard her perform it during An Audience With Victoria Wood. I'm not saying I was turned on by a comic song, exactly, but as a nascent pervert, it made rather an impression on me. There is a lot of kink in that song.

Bend me over backwards on my hostess trolley!

Dangle from the wardrobe in your balaclava!

No cautions, just contortions. Smear an avocado on my lower portions!

For your potassium-rich sploshing needs
And, the perfectly perfect final line: "Beat me on the bottom with the Woman's Weekly!" In the tributes which have poured forth since last Wednesday, this is the line that has been quoted the most.

So, you know, it's not just me. Everyone's a spanko really.

In fact, Current Gentleman Spanking Friend has asked me to get hold of a copy of the Woman's Weekly before our next date, He may want to check out the knitting patterns but it seems more likely that he is planning a tribute to Victoria Wood of his own. In fact, I suspect he might be a bit of a pervert.