Beauty and the Briefs

I am supposed to be finishing my current Work In Progress. I have been away from the Writing-Spanky-Fiction game for a few years (went mad, better now). And you know it has gone too badly today. Actual words have been written.

Not sure that they're the right words or that they're in a good order but I'll take that as a success none-the-less.

It's hard this writing malarkey. Not the writing part of it, you understand but the Not-Being-Distracted-By-The-Internet part. That's really hard.

So what's Etta's favourite bit of the Internet today, you ask. Well, it's fortuitous you should ask because I am just about to tell you.

Sexy Disney Princess Lingerie!

I love Disney. There are plenty of previous posts on this blog to prove it. However, I didn't know that princess-themed knicker and bra sets were a thing that were missing from my life.

So come on folks, let's play Spot the Princess from her Undies! Some are pretty obvious. Like this one:

Others slightly less so:

If those two ladies hadn't made quite such an effort with their hairstyles, I'm not sure I would have been able to tell the 'Ice Queen Fantasy Princess Lingerie Outfit' and the 'Midnight Curfew Fantasy Princess Lingerie Set' apart.

Oh yeah, that's a remarkable thing about the lingerie sets, the manufacturers are very coy about directly referencing the Disney heroines. So Cinderella is 'Midnight Curfew Fantasy Princess' and Elsa from Frozen is 'Ice Queen'. That Snow White costume up there is the Poisoned Apple Fantasy Princess Lingerie Set.

It's a bit baffling. 'Cinderella' and 'Snow White' aren't copyrighted names, you know. And the website seems happy enough to reference the princess names in their descriptions. The main page also references Mulan who doesn't even have her own themed sexy lingerie set!

However, we do get the following:

'Mademoiselle Princess' (Belle from Beauty & the Beast)

'Under-Water Princes' (Ariel from The Little Mermaid)

'Arabian Nights Princess'  (Jasmine from Aladdin)

'New Land Princess' (Pocahontas)

They're great aren't they? Especially for those of us who like belt out Disney show tunes at the point of orgasm. ("Paint with all the colooooooours of the wiiiiiiiiiind!" goes down well, I find.)

I'm not entirely sure what Current Gentleman Friend would make of them. Frankly, I'm not at all convinced that he's be able to tell which Disney princess I was supposed to be just from a few coloured wisps of polyester/elastene mix. And not just because he'd be distracted by my tits.

Still, he could always join in the dressing up fun. Maybe I'll order the Princess Jasmine costume for me and get this one for him:

The flip flops are a nice touch, I think.

Disney Marriages - Which Ones Will Go the Distance? Part 1

Yesterday I promised you an in depth analysis into Disney Romances.

And like Rapunzel in Tangled, when I promise something, I never ever break that promise. 

(That's bollocks obviously. I have broken a shit-ton of promises in my life. Still, it's nice to know that Rapunzel ended up with such a strong moral compass despite spending eighteen years prisoner in a tower with only an evil witch for company.)

I want to pretend that there is some sort of scientific study going on here so I have awarded each couple marks out of five based on how likely I think it is that things will work out for them long term.

I have focused on a whole bunch of Disney romances as part of my rigorous investigation. I don't want to completely blow your minds in one go (exploded brain matter is a devil to get out of the soft furnishings) so I'll share my thoughts on the first five (in chronological order of release date) in this post. You can enjoy my thoughts on the next batch tomorrow.

Snow White and 'The Prince' [1937]

Poor old Prince Wossname. First ever Disney Prince and the bloke doesn't even have a name to call his own. And what do we know about the no-name Prince? Not a lot. He turns up at the beginning, sings the fairly humdrum number "One Song" and then buggers off again for most of the film. Only swinging by at the end after Snow's supposed demise. So saddened is he by the death of such a beautiful maiden that he swoops in for a kiss because apparently snogging the corpse is perfectly acceptable Wake etiquette in Fairytale land.

Luckily a kiss from a dashing - if forgettable - prince is just the ticket for curing all that pesky dead-ness and Snow White perks up enough for the pair of them to charge off into the sunset. (Charge off on a horse obviously, I'm not suggesting the two of them made a run for it like a couple of stampeding rhinoceroses.)

They don't even speak to each other during the magical end bit! What kind of a basis for a relationship is one shitty song and a magical re-animating smooch? It's not like Snow can't relate to men. Throughout the film, she has been building relationships with the seven guys she's been sharing a house with. Grumpy, in particular. A 'Snorumpy' romance would probably have made a more convincing love story.

Can our two plucky heroes find true love despite their height and age differences?

Verdict: The chances of a happy union don't look good. Hey Prince, take Snow White on a date to Pizza Express or something before you rush into wedlock. Get to know one another. Maybe even tell her your name.

Cinderella and Prince Charming [1950]

Oh dear, another one. A couple of dances at a fancy party and before you know it, Cindy and Charming are convinced they've got the whole 'Life Partner' business all sewn up. Obviously there are a few bumps along the way - poor timekeeping, evil step-mother, Cinderella's infuriating lack of initiative when it comes to sorting her life out - but happily it all gets ironed out in time for our heroes to enjoy a Wedding Day-based Happily Ever After.

Personally I would be a bit wary of throwing my lot in with a guy who, despite professing to love me, was unable to recognise me on a second meeting based on anything but the size of my feet. What, my face, voice and entire fucking personality aren't ringing any bells with you, Squire? I guess, you're really into the feet thing, huh?

Actually, I would be totally fucked in this scenario with my boringly average sized feet. The prince presumably would have proposed to the first woman he encountered who took size 6 shoes. Way to make me feel really feel special there, Charming.

Verdict: No idea whether there would be a happy marriage once the two of them have to spend more than a couple of hours in one another's company. There's only so long even the most ardent foot fetishest can spend gazing at his wife's tiny tootsies. They might be OK, though. Cinderella is the most passive, unassertive, acquiescent and totally bloody mimsy of all the Disney princesses. She puts up with any old shit. She'll probably be fine.

Princess Aurora (Sleeping Beauty) and Prince Phillip [1959]

In a surprisingly accurate nod to historical Royal politics, Princess Aurora and Prince Phillip are betrothed to one another in infancy in order to strengthen relationships between their neighbouring kingdoms. Of course, shit kicks off when the Wicked Fairy, Maleficent gets pissy about party etiquette. This results in Aurora having to hide away under an assumed name with a bunch of (un-wicked) fairies all pretending to be peasants like some kind of Medieval Witness Protection Scheme. 

Aurora and Phillip fall in love via the tried-and-trusted method of singing a schmaltzy duet on their first meeting. When the prince finds out that he's already promised to some princess he's never heard of, he's all "Screw you, Dad! I want to marry the smoking hot peasant chick!" I like his attitude. 

Earlier in this post, I slated Mr Snow White for snogging an unconscious woman. I appreciate that "snogging an unconscious woman" is very much Sleeping Beauty's prince's primary character arc. To be fair to Prince Phil, it was definitely less creepy when he did it. He knew there was Sleepy Magic afoot. He wasn't just chancing a snog with a sexy-looking dead babe. 

Verdict: I think things might work out for these two. Apart from anything else, their parents are already best mates. That's going to make things easier at Christmas and at the royal grandbabies' birthday parties.

Ariel (The Little Mermaid) and Prince Eric [1989]

Hmm. The problem with Ariel is we know that long before she sets eyes on dashing young Prince Eric, she is already desperate to be part of the human world.

She lurves us air-breathing, fire-lighting, foot-walking types. Fuck knows why.

Why wouldn't you be happy being a Mermaid Princess? It sounds great. Court Composer Sebastian tries to temper her obsession with the land-people. "Darling it's better, down where it's wetter," he sings. I'm with the crab. There's a dude who knows what he's talking about.

The voice of reason.

So maybe Ariel does love Eric. Or maybe she is so desperate to become part of the shore-based biped community that she'll shack up with the first Royal Human who gets thrown in her path. She's a fish-tailed version of an online Russian or Thai bride. So determined to get her Fairytale equivalent of a "Human Passport" that she'll do anything. Betray her father, mutilate her body, surrender her voice. Whatever it takes.

Happily, being a Disney movie, things work out nicely for Ariel and Eric. In Hans Christian Andersen's original story, the prince marries another woman and the little mermaid dies. (By turning into foam because mermaids have no souls and God does not welcome them into Heaven. Jesus fucking Christ, Andersen, you didn't half write some depressing children's stories. My mum still hasn't gotten over reading "The Red Shoes" to me when I was six.)

Verdict: The couple do spend quality time together. Enjoying misunderstandings about forks, going on romantic boat rides - normal dating stuff. So that's a positive. On the other hand, Prince Eric did almost marry another woman while he was courting Ariel. That might make things awkward later on. I imagine that mid marital argument, Ariel is going to throw that back in Eric's face. "For God's sake, how many times do I have to say it? It was a magic spell, Ariel!" "Well, that's very convenient, Eric. Did you fuck her? Did you?"

Belle (Beauty) and the Beast [1991]

I do love this film so it pains me to say that Belle and Beast have the most unhealthy screwed-up relationship of any Disney prince and princess ever.

Belle's love for the Beast is a textbook example of Stockholm Syndrome. She becomes the Beast's prisoner when she trades places with her father who has been incarcerated in a tiny dungeon cell. She expects the same treatment as her father. Instead she is given a well-appointed bedroom, pretty dresses, the services of a bunch of charming talking household items and a lovely slap-up tea ("Try the grey stuff, it's delicious! Don't believe me? Ask the dishes!"). The Beast is totally fucking with her mind.

In the best traditions of those suffering from Stockholm Syndrome, Belle mistakes a lack of actual abuse for acts of kindness. And I'm not sure that there's entirely a lack of a abuse. The Beast is a monster, prone to acts of rage, anger and roaring and - you know - all-round Beast-y stuff.

Even his professed 'acts of kindness' are a bit shit. He 'gives' Belle a library as a gift. Gee, thanks. So you're letting her access a room that you already had that you weren't using anyway? Aren't you a fucking hero?

Putting the whole abusive kidnapper imprisonment thing to one side for a moment (but only slightly to one side because I do think "incarceration under threat of violence" is a bit of a red flag in a relationship), Beast simply isn't the right man for Belle.

Belle is unhappy with her "provincial life". She rejects the romantic attentions of Gaston because - although he is physically attractive - he is shallow, uneducated, boring and selfish.

If you accept the premise that Beast in his Beast form is unattractive (and I don't because, quite frankly, being an eight foot tall cross between a Wookie and a Bear is the primary thing the guy has going for him) then the only difference between Beast and Gaston is that Gaston is prettier than he is.

The Beast is thick. He is uncultured and uneducated. He is far more provincial that Gaston. Dude's never even left his fucking castle. Maybe having the Beast-y curse lifted will change things. Maybe he'll suddenly want to read ancient Greek philosophy, become proficient in Taekwondo, write poetry and travel the world. Let's hope so because otherwise Belle is going to be bored out of her fucking skull. She really isn't going to enjoy just twatting about the castle all day. Especially post-spell when there isn't even any singing crockery to entertain her any more.

Verdict: I want it to work out for them, I really do. It's a great film. Smashing songs. But, you know, if Belle was a friend of mine and she asked my advice about whether she should marry this puny boy-child who used to be a violent abusive beast, I would tell her to run. Run away now! The hills are that way.

Puny unbeasty boy-child

And that's just the start. There's still a shedload of Disney romances for me to get all opinionated about. What about Jasmine and Aladdin? Pocahontas and John Smith? Anna and Kristoff? I'll be back with more of my ill-informed opinions tomorrow.

Let me know your favourite and least favourite Disney pairings in the comments section.

Tangled: Hair, hi-jinks, hugs and happily ever afters

I have just finished rewatching Disney's Tangled and am feeling all warm and fuzzy because, honestly, anyone who doesn't feel all tingly around the heart area at the end of Tangled probably lacks a fully functioning soul.

Rapunzel and Flynn Rider are an adorable couple. They are one of my favourite Disney couples of all time. And you know me, I fucking love a Disney romance.

Hair spoilers!

Of course, I have a few problems with the movie. I am a Film Nit-Picker Extraordinaire. For example, Mother Gothel is considered 'selfish' for hiding the Magic Flower of Magicness under a basket. However, the the moment the Queen suffers from a bit of Terminal Sickness, everyone is happy to uproot the magic weed and boil it up despite not even knowing if it will cure the non-specific terminal whatever-it-is. Happily, it resulted in magic glowy hair but those gung-ho flower boilers didn't know that. Who's selfish now, huh?

I'm also not comfortable with the way that (spoilers!) Mother Gothel is off-handedly sent plummeting to her death at the end of the movie. Sure, she was an evil witch and everything but she was also the only mother that Rapunzel had ever known. Plenty of people in the real world have mums who are manipulative, selfish and emotionally abusive. Eighteen years of that shit wrapped up in a warped idea of a loving parent/child relationship isn't going to be that easy to shrug off. Rapunzel loved that evil hag. I can't believe she just accepted Gothel's sort-of murder with a "Fa la la. Off to meet my new Mummy now!"

And don't even get me started on my Number 1 Most Hated Movie Trope: Thwacking People Unconscious With Blunt Instruments For Comic Effect. Hitting people with frying pans until they pass out isn't cool, would-be princesses! People die from that shit.

Not cool, Rapunzel.

Despite that (and my several hundred other nit-picky problems with the plot), I love Tangled. I love the relationship that develops between Rapunzel and bad-boy-turned-not-so-bad, Flynn Rider. You know what I really love? They don't get married at the end of the film.

In the words of Flynn in the end-of-movie narration: "But I know what the big question is? Did Rapunzel and I ever get married? Well I am happy to say after years and years of asking, I finally said yes." 

OK, it turns out that it was Flynn doing the asking, but I really like the "years and years" bit. Our princess and her suitor met, went on a big adventure, fell in love and then waited years before tying the knot. Like normal people. Every other Disney princess ever would have been well advised to do the same rather than leaping into matrimony before they were out of their teens.

I think things might actually work out for those two crazy kids.

They're still a couple in a totally different movie. That's got to be a good sign.

It's got me thinking. Which Disney romances are likely to go the distance? Someone really needs to look into this. And by 'someone', I mean me, obviously. 

Hold tight, readers, I am going to provide an in-depth analysis into Disney romantic pairings tomorrow. In the mean time, feel free to let me know about your favourite Disney couples in the comments.

Some Day My Prince Will Come

I went to see Into The Woods this week which despite ticking every one of my movie must-see boxes (Re-interpreted fairytale / Sung-through musical / Has Johnny Depp in it) was all kinds of terrible. A nineteen hour mishmash of incomprehensible plot and terrible songs. Clearly this is just my opinion. Other people (people whose opinions on films I have hitherto had the utmost respect for) seem to think it rather good. (Everyone seems to hate the Annie remake as well which I have been heartily recommending to all and sundry. I feel like I am getting musicals All Wrong at the moment.)

There was one song in Into The Woods I quite liked. This was 'Agony', a tongue-in-cheek number sung by Cinderella's and Rapunzel's princes. It seems quite neat that Disney is parodying the cliched image of its own fairytale princes until you remember that they've done that before, far, far better in Enchanted.

The one on the left is totally channelling H from Steps.

I don't think Disney princes really need taking down a peg or two anyway. It seems to me that they've always had a bit of a rough time of it. Being continually upstaged as they are by those attention-seeking princesses of theirs. The poor prince in Snow White doesn't even get so much as a name, let alone a character arc.

Prince Charming in Cinderella fares little better -  existing as a plot device rather than any kind of fully formed character. At least Sleeping Beauty's Prince Philip got a real name. Even if it is a name he has to share with the Duke of Edinburgh.

When Disney had its second animation wind in the 1980s, the boys started to get more of a look-in with The Little Mermaid's Prince Eric getting some actual lines and personality traits beyond 'marries the heroine', He's probably the first Disney Prince that you'd want to go for a pint with.

Looks like he may have had a few already.

And in Beauty and the Beast, our prince shares not only the billing with his female counterpart but also has an equal share in screentime. The prince is for once allowed to have a fully-formed personality. It is, however, a terrible personality. He's short-tempered, abusive and really quite stupid. Fine figure of a man though. Who wouldn't want to share a bed with an eight foot fur covered beast like him? It'd be like sleeping with a giant cat. Or a bear.

It's such a shame when he gets magicked back into a puny boy-child at the end of the movie. He loses so much girth  generally that I can't help feeling his transformation would be a massive disappointment for a lady.

Girth

And now with the most recent crop of Disney movies, we finally have some Disney princes worth getting excited about. Well, not so much in Frozen where its two male leads, Christof and Hans, are -in the case of one - repeatedly described as 'smelly' and - in the case of the other - (spoiler!) a lying bastard.

However, The Princess and the Frog's Prince Naveen is rather lovely and Tangled's Flynn Rider may be the hottest and charmingest Disney Prince* the studio have come up with yet.

Of course not all male leads are princes. And not all full-length animated films are Disney. There's a whole panoply of male cartoon love interest out there. Below is a list of my top five male animated characters based on - what exactly? Fanciability? Wait a minute, am I objectifying these poor fictional characters? You know I think I might be. I'm a monster.

Li Shang from Mulan

It's easy to be the hottest man in the movie when the rest of the male characters either look like this:

Or are a woman in disguise. Or a lizard.

"Hey! Dragon. Dra-gon, not lizard. I don't do that tongue thing."

And to be honest, Li Shang doesn't come across all that sympathetically in the early part of the movie. He's all moany about the crippling weight of his privileges and the job he got through rampant nepotism. Poor baby. But you know, I grew to like him anyway. He trains up the troops, builds up a bit of a bond with Mulan and refuses to execute her when he finds out her terrible secret. (And you know a reluctance to kill me in cold blood is one of my top ten attributes in a boyfriend.) By the end of the movie, far from being an arrogant bellend, he's a suddenly nervous suitor, so tongue-tied around the girl that he fancies that he blurts out nonsense. And that's always kind of sexy.

Aaron from The Prince of Egypt

See, you'd be spoilt for choice for characters to objectify in DreamWorks' biblical epic The Prince of Egypt what with sexy Moses and sexy Rameses and everything, But it's Moses's brother Aaron who gets to make the list. Partly it's the beard but mostly it's because the character, voiced by Jeff Goldblum, is just basically Jeff Goldblum in animated form. I could listen to Jeff Goldblum say lines like "You did not see because you did not wish to see" in Jeff Goldblum's voice all day.

I'm a godless heathen myself, but I do really like this re-telling of the story of Exodus. I like their commitment to the original biblical source material and I like the fact that they choose to end the story shortly after the parting of the red sea when things do actually seem a little upbeat for the Hebrews. Because, as I understand it, God's chosen people really did have a terrible time of it for quite a while longer.

Flynn Rider from Tangled

He got a brief mention earlier, but lovely bad-boy-turned-good Flynn Rider really does deserve a place on this list. The dashing, dishonest outlaw has some excellent one liners, a dangerously powerful smoulder and a refreshingly dissolute attitude to going out on the lash. "The party lasted an entire week, and honestly, I don't remember most of it."

The makers of Tangled clearly tried to make a movie that would appeal to boys as much as it would to girls with its strong male lead, horse-mounted chase sequences and derring-do. Presumably that was why they titled the film as they did rather than calling it Rapunzel. Unfortunately nobody told the marketing division of Disney this and when the merchandise hit the stores it was the usual Disney princess pink glittery crap sending a clear message to its male audience members: "This film is not for you. It is for people with vaginas. Go and watch that one with planes in it."

Tulio from The Road to El Dorado

Dreamworks' The Road To El Dorado didn't get the recognition it deserved which is a shame because it really is a lot of fun. Plus it has one of animation's sexiest male leads in it. (The second sexiest animated male lead, actually. The number one spot goes to the next entry on the list. This is basically a countdown, you see.)

Spanish conmen, Tulio and Miguel ("Miguel and Tulio! Tulio and Miguel!") go in search of El Dorado, the mysterious city of gold and in the space of one musical number, succeed in finding it. Well, that was easy. What's next, chaps? Ah, fighting over the pretty girl. I see, Carry on.

The pretty girl in question is Chel and I don't want to spoil anything for you but Tulio's the guy she goes for because of course he is. Who wouldn't favour Tulio the sex god over floppy-haired Kenneth Branagh? The scene in which Chel gives Tulio a massage may be the most sexually suggestive scene in any animated film aimed at children ever. And you know me, I pretty much keep a spreadsheet of that sort of thing.

Dean from The Iron Giant

So who's number one in my list of imaginary cartoon boyfriends? Why it's Dean, conceptual artist, Beatnik and understated day-saver from Brad Bird's awesome adaptation of Ted Hughes' book The Iron Man. (They changed the name to the Iron Giant for the movie because apparently there's some other dude called Iron Man and they thought people might get confused.)

Set in the 1950s, the movie reflects the Cold War paranoia of the time, when children were encouraged to 'duck and cover' as a way of avoiding any pesky nuclear bomb blasts.

Nine year old loner, Hogarth, befriends fellow loner, cool sexy Dean who helps him hide his giant killer robot because that's just the kind of cool guy Dean is.  Plus he ends up with Hogarth's mum and I am always biased towards fictional characters who date single mums. Like it gives us non-fictional single mums hope. One day I too will bag my own 1950s Beatnik sculptor, friend to squirrels, kooks and giant killer robots everywhere.

So there you go, that's my possibly-quite-sexist-if-you-think-about-it-so-probably-best-not-to-think-about-it list of the hottest guys in animated movies. I've kept the list to Disney and Disneyish-type American movies aimed at children. There is a whole world of animation from other countries, particularly Japan, which I haven't even attempted to cover because, well you gotta have rules man. Otherwise it's just anarchy.

So let me know what animated character you fancy most? Not least just to reassure me that I'm not the only person over 9 who thinks about these things. My daughter fancied college-age Andy in Toy Story 3 so, you know, I'm definitely not the only weirdo out there. Let me know your choice of fairytale prince in the comments below. As long it isn't either of the princes from Into the Woods, of course. Because if it is, I shall have to mock you.

* Or you know, prince-to-be. If Cinderella can count as a princess, Rider can be a prince, I reckon.