Boris and the Spanking Ban

When the UK Government introduced 'Support Bubbles' in England on June 13th, the Daily Mail ran the headline "BORIS LIFTS SEX BAN".

It wasn't classy, but it wasn't wrong exactly. The Support Bubbles were to intended to ease the isolation for single adult households who hadn't been able to so much as shake hands with another adult in three months.

And it, of course, meant that couples who didn't live together could finally get together and touch one another genitals, provided that at at least one of them didn't live with any other adults.

Since the fourth of July and the pubs reopening and everything, then suddenly we're all allowed to fraternise with one another (well, with one other household at at time) indoors, in pubs, in hotel rooms and in well-sanitised brothels (possibly).

You're still not supposed to touch one another though. This is rather pertinent to my situation. Gentleman friend and I couldn't bubble up due to the existence of adult children and elderly parents in our respective households.

The Poetry of Chris Whitty pic.twitter.com/Vn4VwiKmgL

— Darren Dutton (@Darren_Dutton) June 11, 2020

Thanks to @Darren_Dutton, every time I say the word 'bubble' now, I think of this.

It's been FOUR FUCKING MONTHS since we've seen one another. Well, four NOT-fucking months. That's rather the point.

We're going to spend this weekend together in a hotel. And, you know what? There will be touching. All the touching.

I've been patient, I've been good since the middle of March. I am observing strict social distancing and not-leaving-the-house-unless-it's-really-necessary rules in every other regard.

But right now, I really really need to have my bottom spanked by someone who loves me. And in less than twenty-four hours, that's exactly what's going to happen.

I just hope Boris understands.

Should I spunk a hundred quid on a bluetooth vibrator?

Gentleman friend and I are still undertaking an extended break from one another. It's been two months since we've engaged in any of the that hanging out together, cuddling, kissing and spanking business that used to take up quite a lot of our weekends. 

This is what my social calendar looks like right now.

It's just the way it is. And I don't want to moan about it. Well, actually, I do want to moan about it quite a lot. But, you know, it's hardly a unique situation. Non-cohabiting couples up and down the country are currently finding themselves negotiating a long distance relationship that they weren't expecting.

In the last week, my thoughts have turned to long-distance sex toys. The world has the technology, it turns out, to control one another's orgasms through a smartphone app. It's like living in the actual future.

The vibrator that I am very, very close to purchasing is this one:

Vibease Smart Massager

"Stay intimate with your partner from anywhere! Sync the vibration with your favourite erotic audiobooks! Waterproof for fun moments in the shower!" This is a thing I need in my life (and my knickers), right?

Well, there are a couple of things still holding me back from clicking the 'purchase' button.

Firstly, the cost. I'm not going to get much change from £100 which is definitely at the pricier end of "things I fancy just for the hell of it". It's a reasonable investment, I suppose, if I knew I was going to get my money's worth. But that brings me onto point number two which is that Gentleman Friend and I aren't currently doing any kind of mutual long distance masturbation at all.

Our text and phone conversations are at least 80% smutty talk and we've done a couple of naked video calls. But we've not actually done any wanking together. And I think that maybe before I spend the best part of a days wages on a pretty new toy, we should explore the much cheaper masturbatory aids on offer. Like, well, him just telling me over the phone to pleasure myself and then me doing it. 

It's nice that this lady has taken her Vibease out to show it the garden.

I'm not sure why we haven't. Embarrassment is probably part of it. Which is odd because when we meet in the real world, we're absolutely shameless. I think the fact that my libido has plummeted since lockdown is a large factor. Wanking isn't really happening in my life at all at the moment. It isn't something that it occurs to me to do during my alone time. This is a new thing. Normally, I'm quite the fan of quality me time.

There is, of course, a compelling counter-argument to me telling myself that I shouldn't buy a masturbatory aid because I'm not masturbating enough. Maybe a "smart massager" is exactly what I need to rekindle my wanking habits. Maybe my clitoris is feeling a bit bored and jaded and a Barbie pink silicon friend would perk it right up. Especially if Gentleman Friend was taking charge of the controls. He is usually far more thorough with regards to my pleasure than I am.

I am not sure what is going on here. Has it escaped? Is it making a bid for freedom?

So am I going to buy it? Maybe, yes, no, possibly, definitely, probably not... Decision-making is not really my forte at the moment.

I think I will spend the evening, adding the Vibease to my shopping cart, then changing my mind and removing it and then putting it back in five minutes later.

Hey, at least doing that will pass the time.

Spankless in Surrey

It's thirty six days since I went further than my front garden and I'm fine. You know, the way Ross Geller was totally fine.


It's thirty-seven days since I saw my lovely Gentleman Friend. I'm isolating over here with my elderly parents and he's isolating over there with his grown-up sons and, once again, it's totally fine.

We've been doing whatever it is we do for over three years now. We don't live together and, except for when we've been on holiday, we usually see each other about three times a week. So each individual day is OK because it's just a day when I'm not seeing him.

But after a month, the cumulative effect of not seeing the man I am in love with is starting to take its toll.  It's not just the lack of sex and spanking although, obviously, there is a lack of sex and spanking. I am a regular reader of Girl on the Net's excellent blog but I may have to ban myself from reading it for a bit because it's hard to read about someone getting thoroughly fucked and enthusiastically beaten when you're not getting any of that sort of attention yourself.

"Do you know how lucky you are isolating with your partner, Girl on the Net?" I want to shout at her. "A damn hard spanking would do wonders for my anxiety right now!"

At least Girl on the Net gets to take her mind off the craziness that is the world right now for a bit.

I'm sure she does know how lucky she is. Just as I appreciate how lucky I am. This may be the longest I've gone without a spanking since early 2017 but, you know what, I am lucky that I have a lovely man in my life who - were current circumstances different from what they are - would be more than happy to bend me over and do all manner of deliciously naughty BDSM things to me.

I have joked that he is currently on furlough as my boyfriend. He has pointed out that it's not like either one of us are going to meet anyone else for the next few months. We are a pair of fucking romantics, clearly.

We chat, we message, we send stupid memes to one another. We are making a lot of plans for the future. Most of these plans feature my arse.

But like I said, it's not primarily the sex or the spanking that I am missing right now. Even though he is very good at both those things.

My most explicit fantasy about him right now, involves him coming round with chips from the Happy Fish Bar down the road and then us snuggling on the sofa with the cats and watching Death in Paradise.

A few weeks ago, that was just a regular Friday night, now it's the stuff that my wildest dreams are made of.

Ooh yeah, baby. Give it to me.

Splendid Isolation

We are living, as the apocryphal Chinese curse says, in interesting times. "Interesting" as in simultaneously terrifying and really quite boring. Because, it turns out, that the heroic thing to do in the Covid-19 crisis is to stay home and not get up to much.

I live with both my elderly parents so I am taking this social distancing shit seriously. The limitations I am imposing on my movements are getting revised on a daily basis. Only a couple of days ago, I believed that seeing my boyfriend and going to AA meetings (I am a recovering alcoholic) were 'essential'. Now I'm of the opinion that they're probably not.

I am staying holed up away from the outside world for as long as I have to because right now 'over-reaction' is not a word in my vocabulary. If, a few months down the line, we can look back on this and say that we all over-reacted, well, that's the best possible outcome.

And luckily the shops hadn't totally run out of face masks.

But it's all under constant review, as I said, my primary motivation here is the well-being of my parents. But I do have to accept that if too much isolation means I end up bonkers and/or drunk then that's not a great outcome for my parents either.

I am in an incredibly fortunate position. I work as a software developer and working from home is not even slightly a problem. I live in a nice house with amazing cats, books to write, and enough tea to see me through any crisis. (Happily, I have been inadvertently stockpiling tea for years.)

I know that not everybody is so lucky. But, right now, just staying put seems like the best thing I can do for everyone.

There's no real point to this post but it seemed weird to be posting spanky stuff without at least acknowledging the Corona threat.

Normal spanky spank stuff will resume from tomorrow with not one, but two five star book reviews for me to get excited about.

Any real-life spank stuff is off the menu for a while. I am going to cancel a booking boyfriend and I have for a BDSM dungeon for my birthday next week. It's a shame because, let's face it BDSM places are always the most scrupulously anti-bacced places you can go to. But sadly, it's not something that even I can claim is 'essential'.

So my spank life will be a virtual one. I have a whole host of books on my 'to read' pile and I'm looking forward to working my way through them.