A lot of people seem to be weighing in on Cardi B and Megan Thee Stallion’s song WAP so I may as well add my own voice to the chorus of ill-informed opinion despite, like so many other commentators, having literally no qualifications to do so.
At least, unlike Ben Shapiro I am not going to smugly
tell people that vaginal lubrication is an indicator of a medical disorder. (It
isn’t, Ben and if your wife is telling you that’s why she’s not getting wet
during your marital intimate time, I think she might be sparing your feelings.)
Nor am I like Russell Brand who can join the large and ignoble group of
supposedly woke menfolk telling women that they’re doing feminism wrong.
Bitches love it when you mansplain feminism to them, Russ. Always a winner,
that one.
WAP is not the sort of song I usually listen to. My Spotify
playlists are mostly full of music from the 60s and 70s which is odd because I
was only six when the seventies ended.
But my newsfeeds are full of people celebrating women
celebrating sex and other people (presumably time travellers) expressing horror
that a lady might do anything in the bedroom but lie back and think of England.
And that pushes it into my particular area of interest.
I like sex. I like sex-positive people. I also rather like
it when people who want to shame women for liking sex get upset and then get their
arse handed to them on a plate.
So here we go, the Good, the Bad and the Sexy about Wet Ass
Pussy.
The Good
The Video
Just all of it, really. From the opening shots of lactating
pond statues to Cardi and Megan’s almost slapstick exit and everything that
happens in between. It’s fun-packed theme park of light-hearted erotica and
they all look like they’re having a marvellous time.
“Macaroni in the pot”
In a whole song full of bonkers lyrics, ‘Macaroni in the pot’
in the bonkerest. But hell, why not? I suspect that Cardi B took a bet that she
could make anything sound dirty in the right context especially if she did that
hand gesture at the same time. “What’s the least sexy thing you can think of?” “Um,
macaroni?” “Challenge accepted!”
“Swipe your nose like a credit card”
A wonderfully evocative image. I am including this in my
come-hither bedroom banter forthwith.
“Bring a bucket and a mop”
Yes, this list of the good stuff is just mostly a list of my
favourite lyrics because, well, they’re great. With this, our bad-ass ladies
are both informing their gentlemen friends that (a) there’s going to be a lot
of pleasurable excretions when they’re together and (b) if anyone is going to
clean it up, well it’s not going to be them.
The Bad
Whores in this house
I’m a middle aged white woman from one of the whitest, most
middle-class, most conservative areas of England. I am not this song’s intended
audience. Which is probably why I’m baffled by the Al “T” McLaran’s “Whores in
this house” sample from which is used throughout this song. Is it being used
ironically? Have young cool women reclaimed the word ‘whore’ in the same way that
LGBT people have reclaimed the word ‘queer’? I’m probably missing something
important but to my ears, having a male voice refer to the women in this video
as whores in the midst of their female empowerment sounds very jarring.
Transactional Sex
And again, this is my middle-class white Englishness shining
through like a big shiny beacon, but I am a bit puzzled by the number of
references to transactional sex in this song. Like “Pay my tuition just to kiss
me on this wet-ass pussy.” Hold up ladies, are we talking about having sex for
the sheer unashamed joy of it or is it about having the sexy times for material
benefit? I think those two things don’t necessarily overlap all that often.
Big cats
OK, I know the leopard and tigers featured in this video
were added afterwards with CGI. But that doesn’t excuse using actual wild animals
as a shortcut to “ostentatious wealth” in the song. Those big cats were being
held in captivity and filmed by someone. Give the beasts some dignity. Has
Tiger King taught us nothing? And the snakes shouldn’t have been there either.
The Sexy
Kink
There are a lot of references to kinky shit in this song and
it’s great. Megan Thee Stallion sings about whips and leashes and tell us that
she’s “lookin' for a beatin'”. I appreciate that a beating in this sense might
be referring to vigorous penis pounding from an enthusiastic sex partner. But
whenever I’m talking about beating, I’m talking about spanking so that was how
I interpreted this lyric. And because I want there to be references to spanking
everywhere I’m sticking to that.
The outfits.
This video is just a dream for lovers of fetishwear. From Cardi
and Megan’s day-glo corsets to their latex and fishnet swimsuits, the whole
thing is kinky as fuck and all the better for it. The celebrity cameos in this
video showcase some great outfits too. Special shout out to Normani’s latex
houndstooth bodysuit. Smart and practical! You could wear it literally
anywhere.
The full-on unashamed enjoyment of sex.
Let’s talk about sex. A lot. In enthusiastic detail. And let’s
not spare of the blushes of anyone who doesn’t think it’s ladylike to talk
about gushing. That’s the message I got from this video. It’s a wonderfully
empowering message to girls and women everywhere.
Sense of humour
Everyone knows that a sense of humour is the sexiest thing there
is. And Cardi B and Megan Thee Stallion clearly have that in spades. Sex might
be sexy but it’s also fun. WAP embraces its over-the-top silliness, enjoys
itself thoroughly and invites everybody watching to join in the fun.
And for that, ladies, I applaud you.
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