Spankless in Surrey

It's thirty six days since I went further than my front garden and I'm fine. You know, the way Ross Geller was totally fine.


It's thirty-seven days since I saw my lovely Gentleman Friend. I'm isolating over here with my elderly parents and he's isolating over there with his grown-up sons and, once again, it's totally fine.

We've been doing whatever it is we do for over three years now. We don't live together and, except for when we've been on holiday, we usually see each other about three times a week. So each individual day is OK because it's just a day when I'm not seeing him.

But after a month, the cumulative effect of not seeing the man I am in love with is starting to take its toll.  It's not just the lack of sex and spanking although, obviously, there is a lack of sex and spanking. I am a regular reader of Girl on the Net's excellent blog but I may have to ban myself from reading it for a bit because it's hard to read about someone getting thoroughly fucked and enthusiastically beaten when you're not getting any of that sort of attention yourself.

"Do you know how lucky you are isolating with your partner, Girl on the Net?" I want to shout at her. "A damn hard spanking would do wonders for my anxiety right now!"

At least Girl on the Net gets to take her mind off the craziness that is the world right now for a bit.

I'm sure she does know how lucky she is. Just as I appreciate how lucky I am. This may be the longest I've gone without a spanking since early 2017 but, you know what, I am lucky that I have a lovely man in my life who - were current circumstances different from what they are - would be more than happy to bend me over and do all manner of deliciously naughty BDSM things to me.

I have joked that he is currently on furlough as my boyfriend. He has pointed out that it's not like either one of us are going to meet anyone else for the next few months. We are a pair of fucking romantics, clearly.

We chat, we message, we send stupid memes to one another. We are making a lot of plans for the future. Most of these plans feature my arse.

But like I said, it's not primarily the sex or the spanking that I am missing right now. Even though he is very good at both those things.

My most explicit fantasy about him right now, involves him coming round with chips from the Happy Fish Bar down the road and then us snuggling on the sofa with the cats and watching Death in Paradise.

A few weeks ago, that was just a regular Friday night, now it's the stuff that my wildest dreams are made of.

Ooh yeah, baby. Give it to me.

Book Review - Sextoynado by CJ Douglass

Four Stars

I bought CJ Douglass's Sextoynado because, well, it's called Sextoynado and if that isn't sufficient reason to buy and read a book then I don't know what is.

And, happily, Sex Toynado delivers exactly what you want it to. A strangely sentient, kinky-as-fuck tornado which deposits dildos, vibrators and butt plugs all over the hitherto quiet town of Layton, Pennsylvania.

It's up to Catholic priest, Father O'Malley - with the help of spunky science reporter June Roarke - to find a way of stopping the advancing menace of the stormy sex frenzy that is taking over his flock. The answer, it turns out, isn't what he expected although it is exactly what this reader wanted. Because, let's face it, the only decent way to wrap this story up is with a massive great orgy.

That's a bit of a spoiler right there, but, honestly, it's not going to diminish anyone's enjoyment of the book knowing that the whole thing culminates in an enthusiastic shag-a-thon. In fact, I think it provides a bit of reassurance to the reader that it's all heading that way. You're welcome.

Are the sex toys a tool of Satan? Well, they don't look like this, so maybe not.

Prior to reading it, I thought that if I was going to enjoy this book at all it would be in a "so bad it's funny" way. But, actually, I genuinely liked it. It's engaging, well-written and entertaining and rather fun to submerse yourself in for a while. Sure, the premise is utterly absurd. No explanation is given for the existence of the sex toys or why they have started raining down on the town. Where did they come from? Who made them? How the devil are they able to insert themselves into people autonomously, often circumnavigating articles of clothing in the process?

No matter. Having set up a scenario where this craziness does happen, Douglass meticulously sticks to the rules of the pervy sci-fi universe they have created. The scenario is played straight even if the deliciously perverted shenanigans of the town's occupants aren't.

So there you go. If you've been thinking "I really need a book about natural disasters, sentient sex toys, every permeation of human copulation and a hefty dose of religious philosophy", then it turns out that this is exactly the book you've been looking for.

Although, if you have been thinking that, quite frankly reader, you're a lot weirder than I initially took you for.

Rejected PG version of the book. Possibly.

Want to know more about the book review star rating system? Or find out what other books I've reviewed? Check out this page here.