The Flappiness of Floggers

Flappy

Not surprisingly, when I meet other kinksters, the conversation often turns to the subject of favourite and least favourite spanking implements. It's a tricky one to answer. It's only been a year and a half since spanking became something that actually happened in my life (rather than something that I just thought about obsessively) and the the novelty really hasn't come close to wearing off yet. I am still surprised and delighted that people are prepared to spend time spanking me with anything at all. Not least because as a non-switchy type, I have no idea what they're getting out of it. I would be bored after five minutes. Yet I seem to have found a bunch of people who have not only been happy to spend hours using a whole load of different spanky toys on my arse but also seem to be enjoying themselves. Although I can't believe that they're having as much fun as I am.

This is pretty much how I look post-spanking.

I do like a thuddy toy. I think paddles are my all-time favourite thing. But it's all about the variety, really. You can't beat a bit of stinginess; I'm terribly fond of canes. The stingiest thing I've ever been hit with was a dressage whip. That hurt. But, as with all stingy things, the pain went away quite quickly unlike with thuddy things where the pain just keeps on building.

Ouchy

When it comes to my least favourite implement though, then that's definitely the flogger. They're just so annoyingly flappy. I know lots of people are very keen on them but I find them quite irritating. Largely because a lot of the time they're not being used to cause pain. I like pain. I don't really do 'sensation play'. If I'm on the receiving end of a light flogging, there's a bit of me thinking "Oh, come on. I'm not after a massage here." I don't want to be lightly caressed.

Caress-y

Of course, floggers can hurt as has been demonstrated on me on a number of occasions. But even then, it's not the right kind of pain. It's all sort of unfocused and all over the place. It doesn't connect in the same way that a paddle or a cane or well-aimed hand does.

Now, I am fully accepting of the fact that I am going to be flogged. I haven't had a Spanking Friend who hasn't used a flogger on me. Doms love a flogger. I understand that they are quite satisfying to wield. And I don't mind them. As part of an overall spanking experience, they're fine.

Definitely not my favourite though. If I had a spanking which only consisted of a hand-spanking and a flogging, I think I would feel quite unsatisfied at the end. Whereas I would be entirely content with just "hand spanking and paddling", I reckon. Or "hand spanking and caning".

I admit I'm being a bit unreasonable as 'flogger' covers a wide variety of different kinky spank-toys. Big, small, leather, suede, rubber. Googling for flogger images has revealed that Uberkinky have a metal ball chain flogger that they describe as having "serious bite". Yes, I'm sure it does.

Bitey

Current Gentleman Spanking Friend recently purchased a pink plastic flogger. It's bright and cheerful and looks like the sort of thing you'd be able to buy in the gift shop at Chessington World of Adventures. That flogger wasn't flappy and ineffectual at all. It had quite the sting to it. Rather too much, as it goes, as our first go had to be curtailed due to the damn thing cutting my skin. Because personally while I'm all about the pain, drawing blood is never on the to-do list during a spanking.

He's made some adjustments to the end of the tails which were causing the problem so hopefully it'll be back in play for his next visit. With the literal rough edges taken care of, it's definitely a flogger that I would be happy to spend more time with. I don't think it undermines my "not really liking floggers" point though. I think if you put this particular flogger on a Spanking Implements Venn Diagram (and I really need to start constructing a Spanking Implements Venn Diagram) then it would be in the bit where floggers and whips overlap.

Not flappy

Incidentally, Current Gentleman Spanking Friend has named this particular item 'Felicia'. Because apparently naming one's spanking implements is a Thing That Doms Do. I remain unconvinced. I think he's a strange man. But, hey, whatever makes him happy. I'm not about to judge other people's weirdness.

There are so, so many different kinds of implements out there to be spanked with. From the hastily improvised to the meticulously crafted by artisan perverts. I went to the London Alternative Market fetish fair recently. My goodness, there an awful lot of things you can buy which have been specifically designed to be used on a willing sub. And, frankly, I'm happy to try most of them. It really is a most delightful journey. Bring it on! The thuddy, the slappy, the stingy, the whippy and, yes on occasion, the annoyingly flappy.

Beat Me On the Bottom with the Woman's Weekly

Comedian, actress, songwriter, screenwriter and all-round fucking genius, Victoria Wood died last week. In the year which seems to be determined to be remembered as the one where everyone dies (and it's only April for fuck's sake), Victoria Wood's death hit me particularly hard. I think she was brilliant. And not just because she wrote a song which contained the line "beat me on the bottom with the Woman's Weekly".

1953 - 2016. Fuck cancer.

Wood was a fantastic comic writer and performer. There was never any meanness to her comedy. Her comic creations weren't grotesques. They often felt like people you felt like you knew even if you actually didn't. So many of the tributes I have been reading online, have pointed out what an incredibly generous comic writer she was. She always gave the best lines to her co-performers.

As a teenager in the 80's, I was all too aware that there really weren't that many female comedians around. In fact, the numbers of men and women in comedy in still massively imbalanced. Why is that? Think of the people in your immediate social circle. Are your female friends less likely to make you laugh than your male ones? I really doubt it. There's a whole load of ingrained sexism behind the fact that 95% of the guests on BBC panel shows have a penis.

But institutionalised sexism in television comedy isn't the point of this post. Victoria wasn't just one of the best female comedians, she was one of the best ever, regardless of sex. She was absolutely brilliant.

And of course she wrote and performed the marvellous, marvellous Ballad of Barry and Freda,


I was thirteen when I heard first heard her perform it during An Audience With Victoria Wood. I'm not saying I was turned on by a comic song, exactly, but as a nascent pervert, it made rather an impression on me. There is a lot of kink in that song.

Bend me over backwards on my hostess trolley!

Dangle from the wardrobe in your balaclava!

No cautions, just contortions. Smear an avocado on my lower portions!

For your potassium-rich sploshing needs

And, the perfectly perfect final line: "Beat me on the bottom with the Woman's Weekly!" In the tributes which have poured forth since last Wednesday, this is the line that has been quoted the most.

So, you know, it's not just me. Everyone's a spanko really.

In fact, Current Gentleman Spanking Friend has asked me to get hold of a copy of the Woman's Weekly before our next date, He may want to check out the knitting patterns but it seems more likely that he is planning a tribute to Victoria Wood of his own. In fact, I suspect he might be a bit of a pervert.