Implausible Marrows

So I have been at a point of almost, almost being ready to submit my latest book, still tentatively called Like the Lightning, to the publishers for several days now. I was reading through draft #3,687,648 (probably) on the train this morning when I realised I had a problem.

I had messed up my dates.

The village fete - which was going to prove fairly instrumental in my two protagonists' courtship - was taking place in May.  And yet, despite this, they managed to have the following conversation:

“I hope you will enjoy the Waverley fete. I am a little worried it might not be terribly exciting for a young man such as yourself.” 

“Oh I doubt that. I love a country fete. My father hosts an annual one in Rochester which is tremendous fun.” 

“Well I hope Waverley can provide stout competition to Rochester.” 

“Tell me,” said Felix conspiratorially. “Do you have a coconut shy?” 

“Oh yes, and bat-a-rat and a stall where you have to throw a hoop around wooden blocks to win a prize." 

“Against almost impossible odds?” 

“The odds certainly seem stacked against one, yes.” 

"Capital! And are there competitions for jam making and cake decorating and growing the biggest marrow?” 

“Certainly. We take that sort of thing very seriously around here. There will be whole tents full of enormous vegetables to impress you.” 

“I trust the entrants are fiercely competitive. Almost obsessively so?” 

“Of course. Mr Fotherington and Mr Dodds almost came to blows last year during the judging of the Largest Onion prize. The difference of opinion was, I believe, whether any part of the root can be counted in its overall length.” 

“And was any satisfactory conclusion reached?” 

“The judges decided that the entire bottom root needed to be removed. It most upset Mr Dodds who said that removing it destroyed the aesthetic appeal of his onions. Mr Fotherington, unfortunately, wasn’t very gracious in his victory. It was quite a drama as I’m sure you can imagine.” 

Felix laughed. “And are the two gentlemen in question exhibiting this year?” 

“Mr Dodds has foresworn onions for all time, I believe. Although we expect to see his cabbages and broccoli entered in their respective classes. If you do meet him, I implore you to keep off the topic of the aesthetic properties of onions.” 

“I shall try but I am not promising anything. I find that the aesthetic properties of onions works its way into most every conversation I have.”

You can see the problem immediately, I am sure. How the hell are the good people of Waverley entering marrows into biggest marrow competitions in May? What kind of freakish vegetable-growing schedules are these people keeping to?

So every date in the book has needed to be shifted back three months. I have just spent the last hour checking every sodding date and mention of the season in order to ensure that the fictional veg doesn't have to be harvested until August.

Because the last thing I want is a bunch of poor reviews of Amazon complaining that while they quite enjoyed the sex and spanking, they found the improbable marrows totally killed the mood.

I'm not being even slightly sarcastic by the way. That's the sort of thing that totally bugs me as a reader.

Writing Process Bloghop

Today I am taking part in the Writing Process Bloghop. I was tagged by Megan Michaels who talks about her own writing process here.

Question 1: What am I working on?

At the moment I am finishing my second book which is tentatively entitled Like the Lightning. The title is a reference to the hero’s work in the field of electricity and is also a quote from Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet:

It is too rash, too unadvised, too sudden;
Too like the lightning, which doth cease to be
Ere one can say 'It lightens.' Sweet, good night!
This bud of love, by summer's ripening breath,
May prove a beauteous flower when next we meet.
Good night, good night! as sweet repose and rest
Come to thy heart as that within my breast!

I’m not sure the title will stay though. I don’t think coming up with titles is my forte. The last one was called The Marvellous Marvelo until just before publication when the publishers suggested that His Lordship’s Apprentice would be a better title. Which, to be fair, it is.

Today I have been reading the final draft of the manuscript on my kindle in order to spot any errors I’ve missed and to ensure that the plot makes sense when read end-to-end. I shall probably be sending it to the publishers in the next day or two.

Once that it is done, I’ll start on my next book. At the moment I have outlines sketched out for three books (plus one short story I want to write that might lead to more.) These books-to-be consist of a Victorian story about an heiress and some confidence tricksters, a story set in a dystopian future which would probably be quite a bit darker than my previous books and a sort-of sequel to Like the Lightning featuring the heroine’s son, Robert and his quest for true love. The short story I have in mind would feature a 1920s consulting detective called Tabitha Moriaty.

It seems a bit premature to start writing a sequel to a book that’s not been published yet (and that everyone might hate) so I shall probably concentrate on the dark dystopian future one which will make a change from the historical stuff I have been writing lately.

Question 2: How does my work differ from others of its genre?

Given that I only have one published book so far, it’s probably a little too early to tell. Feedback for His Lordship’s Apprentice definitely tends to use words like ‘gentle’, ‘lighthearted’ and ‘sweet’ which seems fair and is probably what I’m going for. Those adjectives all apply to the new book, I reckon. Quite possibly even more so.

I don’t write comedy, as such, but I think humour slips into most things I write. In my new book, a lot of the attraction between the hero and heroine comes from their ability to make one another laugh so I hope that comes across in their dialogue otherwise they’re just going  to sound like lunatics.

Question 3: Why do I write what I do?

I have always been fascinated by spanking. Right back to when I used to read Enid Blyton’s stories where characters  were threatened with (and occasionally received) sound spankings. I had a picture book collection of her stories as a child which contained an illustration which is seared into my memory. It showed a wizard administering a spanking to a crying elf while nervous elves stood queuing for their turn. There were also several elves who had clearly already had their turn and were looking most unhappy about it. I have tried to find it online (seriously, you do not want to see my Google searches some days) with no success so far.

It may have been this one. Or one of the many hundreds of others that she wrote.
One day I will find it again, you mark my words.

I don’t really remember what happened in the story (other than everyone getting spanked in the end for their naughtiness) but I think reading it was a significant landmark. When I look back to when my interest in spanking started, I think I can safely say that I have been interested for a very long time. Although as a kid I think I was just sort of fascinated by the idea. It didn’t become a turn-on until my teens.

It’s been a guilty pleasure for a long time and it was only pretty recently that I realised how good some spanking literature is. God, I love my Kindle. Discovering writers like Renee Rose and Maren Smith totally changed the way I looked at erotica and made me realise that writing romance was something I really wanted to do. Particularly if I could stuff it full of spankings.

Question 4: How does my writing process work?

I don’t have time to write at all at the moment, really.  I work full time as a Technical Author and am studying for a Bachelor with Honours degree in Computer Science which should be finished this year. I’m also job-hunting again. Or at least I should be.

Basically, if I’m writing, there is usually something else I should be doing instead. If you see me posting, tell me to get on with that bloody assignment that needs doing (there’s always at least one).

Never-the-less I make time to write because I really enjoy doing it. When the degree’s finished (if I am spending enough time on it to actually pass the thing), I shall be able to spend much more time writing but until then (assuming my whole ‘Win the lottery, quit job” plan doesn’t pan out), I just have to fit in when I can. I commute into the City of London each day which takes an hour each way so I often use that time to write. I write longhand in a 2013 diary which was surplus to requirements at one of my previous jobs. I’m on diary number four at the moment and I have about fifty of the things so I’m good for notebooks for the next ten years or so I reckon. It’s quite a lengthy process because I have to type everything up again when I get home but I prefer it to lugging a heavy laptop around with me.

I used to feel embarrassed about writing some of the more explicit stuff on public transport but it doesn’t bother so much now. I think the embarrassment went when my first book got published. “Yeah, I’m writing about sex and spanking. It’s a thing I do, you know?”

Plus if anybody IS reading what I’m writing over my shoulder, well I like to think it will give them a startlingly new insight into what might be going on in the heads of their fellow commuters.

Work in Progress

I now have to pass the Writing Process Bloghop baton onto two more fellow writers.

I am really excited that two absolutely fantastic authors, Maddie Taylor and Maren Smith have agreed to do it.

Maddie Taylor has written a ton of great books including Marshall's Law which is my all-time favourite time-travel spanking romance. You might think that that's too specific a genre for that accolade to mean much but I love a time-travel story. If it's got both time-travel and spanking in it, then I've probably read it. And Marshall's Law is the best.I was grinning from ear to ear the whole time I read it - apart from the times when I was welling up.

Maren Smith, as a mentioned before, was one of the authors who made me realise how well-written and engaging erotic books can be. Naturally I love her historical stories best. My favourite is either Angel of Hawkhaven or Black Sheep. I'd be hard pushed to choose between them because they are both so different. Her stories are always beautifully engaging with characters that are so well-drawn that you wish they would just step off the page so you could hang out with them.

Check out their blogs next week to read their answers to the Bloghop questions and find out what makes them tick as writers.

His Lordship's Apprentice gets reviewed on Spanking Romance Reviews

I've done a few reviews for Spanking Romance Reviews lately. Most recently Casey McKay's Emmaline's Groom which I raved about like a starstruck fangirl. Seriously, I'm like one step away from stalking the woman like an obsessed One Direction fan.

Because the only true way to appreciate art is to totally lose your shit.

So I am genuinely excited and pleased that Casey has reviewed my book His Lordship's Apprentice for Spanking Romance Reviews and that she actually seemed to rather like it.

Check out the nice things she said:

I really enjoyed this endearing story about a woman who is down on her luck and ends up having her dreams come true. Etta Stark shows a promising start with her first book. The characters were very believable and Lord Hardcastle and Violet have a chemistry between them from the very beginning

I may stitch her above words into a sampler. Or possibly have them tattooed across my lower back. (There's a lot of space there actually, I could probably fit in the whole review.)

Check out the whole thing here!

Saturday Spankings - Snippet from my forthcoming book

Happy Easter! This Saturday Spanking is being posted far later in the day that it should be. Somehow, due to the Easter weekend, I had completely lost track of what day it was.

As I mentioned last week, I have almost finished my second book. I am going through it now, filling in the bits where I've left place markers like [man's name] and [mention that thing from earlier] and trying to bash any painfully clumsily constructed sentences into shape.

The story is tentatively called 'Like the Lightning' but may well change before publication because I suspect I'm not very good at titles.

It's set in 1870 and is about a forty-one year old widow called Margaret who has spent the last 10 years since her husbands death doing pretty much what she wanted. She has two grown-up sons and no interest in re-marrying until she meets attractive and brilliant scientist, Felix Oliver who becomes captivated with her. Marrying him will mean a drop in status as well as risking scandal in society given that Felix is only 26 years old - not much older than her sons. There's also the matter of spanking. Felix tells her at their first meeting that he believes women should be disciplined and that he would spank his wife.

The following snippet takes place just after Felix has proposed to Margaret. She is stil weighing up all the options.

“Would you beat me if we were married?” she said.

“What?” Whatever he had been expecting her to say next, it wasn’t that.

“The first time we met, you told me that you thought it a good idea for men to spank their wives. You said that if I were your wife, you would spank me.”

“I haven’t forgotten.”

“Of course I thought you were speaking entirely rhetorically at the time. It’s funny how things turn out. So, tell me, would you expect physical discipline to be part of our marriage?"

Felix spoke quietly but without hesitation. “Yes I would.”

“Very well. Then before I can decide whether or not to accept your proposal, I need to understand precisely what I am letting myself in for.”

“You want to be spanked?"

“I need to know what to expect if you decide to punish me. I think the only way for me to ascertain that would be for you to carry out such a punishment this evening.”

Felix’s heart hammered in his ribcage. She had laid down a challenge and he was damned well going to be man enough to accept it.

Check out the rest of the Saturday Spankings links.

Is this Adult Content?

This is a question for everyone who uses Blogger. Have you activated the 'adult content' warning on your blog? If so, when and why did you decide to do so?

I ask because it seems to be de rigueur among fellow Saturday Spankings bloghoppers and the like. However, I find I am instinctively resisting ticking the box. I don't want the Content Warning page to flash up every time someone nips over to my blog.

Or is it?

My blog's not that rude, I reason to myself. There's nothing on it that you wouldn't find on, say, Cracked.com or the sex problems page on the Guardian. There's no nudity, for one thing. I even swear less than I've done on previous non-spanking-related blogs.

Obviously it's an adult blog. I'm not suggesting children wander over and read the spanking excerpts. But, the fact is, "adult" in this context means "porny" rather than "not child-friendly". In the same way that "adult bookstores" aren't full of copies of the Game of Thrones and Stephen Hawking's Brief History of Time.

Parents don't assume that everything on the internet that doesn't explicitly come with a warning is safe, clean family entertainment. They know if they did, their kids would see some pretty freaky stuff by the time they were eighteen.

Anyone ever NOT clicked the orange box?

I could be looking at this the wrong way, though. I don't want the Content Warning page because I assume it will put readers off. Maybe it doesn't. For all I know, it may act as an enticement, luring people in with its promise of sexy, sexy content.

It's like the paragraph that you get at the end of the blurb for a spanking book on Amazon: "This book contains graphic sex scenes, consensual and non consensual spanking and anal play. Please do not buy if you are offended by such things." I'm not the only person who skips to that bit first, surely? That kind of warning must encourage far more people than it deters.

The main thing that worries me in my current 'Content warning'-free stance, is that maybe the decision will be imposed on me from outside. Can I get reported for offending the sensibilities of the casual websurfer with my slightly kinky erotica-themed website? What will my "It doesn't even have any boobies on it!" defence be worth when the Google Police step in and wipe me from the blogosphere?

It's entirely possible I'm overthinking this. It has been known. I would be really interested to know other bloggers' opinions.Is the Adult Content warning a furtive apology, a proud declaration or a straightforward courtesy to other web users?

Photo of a pair of boobies which totally undermines my earlier point.

Spanking Romance Review - Emmaline's Groom

I forgot to mention this last week, but I donned my flamboyant reviewer's hat again for Spanking Romance Review and reviewed the fantastic new book my Casey McKay, Emmaline's Groom

You can probably guess from my gushing enthusiasm at the start of this review how much I enjoyed this one. I had a massive smile on my face most of the time when I was reading it. The setup and characterisation are perfect and the two leads are just lovely.

Classy cover, too

Here's a little snippet of my review. Check out the whole thing here.

Casey McKay’s Emmaline’s Groom ticks every single one of my spanking preference boxes and does so with great style. It’s fantastic. I feel like I have I have just acquired my very own bespoke romance writer catering specially to my own personal requirements. 

Although to be fair, I’m probably far from being the only person likely to be enchanted by Emmaline and Leo’s story.

Saturday Spankings - After her spanking

For Saturday Spankings these last few weeks I have been posting excerpts from my book His Lordship's Apprentice each snippet occurring directly after the last and describing scullery maid Violet's spanking across her employer, Lord Hardcastle's knee.

The spanking is now over.

Violet rose to her feet. She tried to wipe away the tears with the side her of her hand. Lord Hardcastle passed her his pocket handkerchief. “Keep it.” 

He looked at her intently as she wiped away the tears. “Good girl,” he said. “Now, off to bed with you.”

He landed another sharp smack on her already bruised and tender bottom. 

“And try to keep out of mischief this time.”

This means I shall have to give some thought to what excerpt to share with my fellow Saturday Spankos next week. I'm not sure my work-in-progress - tentatively entitled 'Like the Lightning' - is ready to share yet but we'll see. It's almost finished but it could be all gibberish. It's hard to tell.

As always, make sure you hop about and visit all the lovely spanking writers on the below list.